Amazing Grace!

I love the song Amazing Grace but one part in that song hits me every time. "How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed". When I was saved, it was the most amazing remarkable experience of my life. There was an angel in my room & I tested it like the Bible suggests. Immediately I was drawn to go to the Bible & everywhere I looked it said 'Jesus is Lord'. I then fell to my knees & gave my life to Christ. I think of that now & how much I haven't thought of that. I have been so focused on the negativity in my life, that I have forgotten that I have the one thing that surpasses any fear or heartache I have had. I have Jesus! Why am I not happy? Because I have chosen to live in this darkness for so long. But God has not called me to be depressed, he has not called me to be unhappy. No more! God doesn't make mistakes & I think about that every day. As I think about that, I still choose to be stuck in a rut when I could be happy enjoying all the wonders God has put in my life. For years, I looked in the mirror & saw ugliness , but how could I be ugly when I am the daughter of the Living God. I am beautiful! I have forgotten that my suffering is for Jesus' sake not my own. I remember the time when that was enough. It should be enough & it is! Today, I make a vow to embrace who I am in Christ. I choose to embrace my beauty & my gifts that please God. I choose to be confident in who God wants me to be. I choose to embrace happiness not negativity. I will Rise to be the Godly woman God wants me to be. I may get depressed , I am still human, but I choose not to let depression break me. Instead, I will allow God to mold me more & more like him. I am Yelafer , daughter of the King of Kings, whom shall I fear? If my God is with me, who can be against me? What can man do to me? Nothing, but God can do everything! I must admit that tears are streaming down my face as I write this because I never thought I'd say any of this. But this is who I need to be. I deserve to be happy, to feel loved , to love, to embrace life. And that is what I will do from this day forward. If I feel myself being pulled back into the darkness, I trust that God will pull me out just as he has done so many times before. I will not let any disease defeat me, I will live my life full of joy & laughter. I will be content & happy. Lord, I praise you for putting this joy in my heart & for never giving up. Help me to be who you want me to be. If I laugh, I will praise you. If I fall, I will praise you. If I cry, I will praise you. And when I rise again, I will praise you. In ALL things , good or bad, I WILL praise you! You are my God & my life is yours. Guide me , show me , & equip me in whatever your will is in my Life! I declare all this in Jesus' glorious name, Amen!!!! <3

Do you know who I serve?

One by one discouraged by my happiness. The devil's aggravated his plans for me aren't working. Let's use people around her he says. But do you not know who I serve? You can't defeat my God, so you won't defeat me. I am the daughter of the Prince of Peace , the King of Kings. His death is my death , his resurrection is my resurrection, his Victory is my Victory. Those of plans for me renouncing my faith are no more, I'm sorry you think you'll win, but you won't. Do you not know who I serve? I serve the Alpha & the omega, the First & the Last. Do you really wanna mess with what's his? I don't think so. I serve the God of angel armies who will protect me & guide me til the end of time. But for me there is no end, because even if this life ends, I will gain Christ in heaven. I cannot lose, its a win win situation for me. Do you not know who I serve? I serve a Mighty God, One who calms the storm without even lifting a finger. Do you not know who I serve? Well I do, & praise him everyday for knowing him. Do you not know who I serve? Try to get to know him & watch as he transforms your life. Do you not know who I serve?

BPD & me

Today I'm going to speak out on something I've mainly kept to myself for as long as I can remember. The reason I keep it to myself is because of the assumptions people make when I've told them. I have BPD also known as Borderline Personality Disorder.. Now I know what you are thinking and no, it doesn't mean that I have 2 different personalities or an alter ego of some sort.. Yes, that's the assumption that people usually tend to lean against because that's what they're familiar with. I'm not going to define as if I've just read it out of some text book, but I will paraphrase what it means to me in my own words. As most of you know I have Depression, and when I get depressed I usually go through stages in my Depression or some may call them Depressive episodes.  Now with BPD, it means that when I'm going through these Depressive episodes, I tend to irrationalize a lot. Basically, I over think everything and these negative thoughts start flowing my brain and they don't stop. And while this is happening , I start to feel numb to all the pain around me or in my life and I start to feel the walls are caving in and there's no hope for me. I start to feel abandoned and unloved and extremely alone . BPD is considered a personality disorder but its not the way you think. Basically, it changes my mood to the extreme and I tend to feel stuck in  this black hole and don't see a way out.. Its hard but its something i struggle with everyday, just thought I'd share that!