I want to
write about the recent struggles I’ve been having regarding romantic
relationships. As many of you know, I went through a break up recently and I think
it’s time to be transparent about what happened during & after the relationship.
Nick and I have been friends from months and I always had an interest in him
but never said anything. We started dating because I got the courage to ask him
out. From the first date, we were a bit physical & I mean we kissed a lot. But
I wanted this relationship to be different because I had never dated a Christian
man before so we put boundaries in place to glorify God in the relationship. I’m
not going to lie and say we didn’t cross those boundaries at one point because
we did, but we repented and respected each other enough to put God first once
again. The fact that we were friends, got along so great, and were so open
& honest from the beginning really sped things along to us falling for each
other quickly. I think we each never really had a relationship where we were
truly accepted for who we were and we found comfort in being that support to
each other. I got to know Nick in a way that most haven’t, I saw the different
sides that doesn’t usually show anyone and we trusted each other with some deep
wounds we had never expressed with anyone before. But after one month of
dating, Nick broke up with me claiming he couldn’t trust me because of some of
things I had done in my past with other guys and I didn’t share all of the
intimate details of what had happened with those guys. I’m not going to lie, at
first, I was extremely angry, but after thinking about it and putting myself in
his shoes, I understood why he reacted the way he did. Now I want to set the
record straight about a couple of things. First off, I don’t hate Nick at all! Second,
even though we dated a short while, I do believe we truly fell for each other.
I think Nick is an amazing guy who has been wounded so many times and I just
think he truly hasn’t healed from some of those wounds and he needs to do that
with God before he can ever be in a healthy relationship. I do not think he
played me and lead me on just to hurt me. I am no longer in love with him and that’s
not because I never was but because I prayed for God to take those feelings
away and he did. I do still love Nick, but as a brother in Christ and friend. Am
I sad? Yes I am! After our break up, we finally had our final talk to have
closure and we said our goodbyes and agreed to still be friends which is
awesome. The very next day, Nick texted me saying that his female friends were
saying that I was adding them on social media and that they were scared I was
going to hurt them in some way and Nick believed them. It wasn’t true and I felt
so offended that he would even think that of me. He blocked me off of Facebook
and we haven’t talked since. And that’s heartbreaking to me! I never realized
how difficult it was to give my heart to someone until I was faced with a new
relationship. And the only reason, I gave him my heart was because he poured
his heart out to me and assured me that he was all in and wouldn’t disappear on
me. He told me he was falling for me and eventually he did and told me he saw a
future with me, but then we broke up over the slightest insecurity. Honestly, I
was hurt but at peace because I wasn’t in that relationship to fill a void
(like I have done in the past) because God had done that already months before.
What hurts the most now, is that I lost a really dear friend who I trusted my
deepest fears & dreams with. I opened up about things only God, my
therapist, and I knew about and I don’t take lightly. And Nick did the same,
but he took other people’s word over mine. I thought he thought of me & knew
me better than that, but I guess I was wrong. I will always cherish our
friendship and the time we had as a couple, because it helped me grow and it
taught me so much about who I am and it pushed me to be a better version of
myself. I fell for him because he showed me the 3 things I always wanted in a
guy: He spoke life into me, he respected, accepted, & loved me for me, and
he always pointed me to Jesus! And before him, I didn’t have hope that a guy
could do that for me, but now I do. I hope that Nick & I can get passed
this someday and truly be friends because we’re going to have to see each other
in heaven & at the end of the day, we are brother & sister in Christ
and that’s a bond that can’t be broken. Even though we haven’t talked, I still
respect him & genuinely want the best for him. And I will never reveal the
secrets he trusted me with as I hope he does the same for me as well. I’m finally
over this break up and I feel great and am ready to date again, but this time I’m
going to guard my heart a lot more & not give it away so easily. I am
content in my singleness because Jesus truly is enough for me, but I know that I’m
called to be a godly wife some day. And until that day comes, I will continue
to chase after God’s heart and seek after his kingdom while also preparing myself
for the role of being a wife. I’ll be honest, it’s really hard seeing a lot of
my friends getting into relationships and falling in love, especially when you don’t
have anyone and you have a deep desire to share Christ’s love with someone in a
romantic level. And lately, it seems like more and more of my friends are
either becoming couples or getting engaged, married, and starting families and
sometimes that makes me sad. But I trust that I won’t be forever alone and that
God is preparing me for an amazing guy who he has picked out just for me &
that in itself is one awesome feeling!
P.S- REAL men initiate, so have some courage
and initiate, that’s one of the biggest things I’m looking out for the next
time around! Just saying ;)
