Dear Mom
& Dad,
I am writing
to you because there are a few things I need to get off my chest especially at
this point in time in my life. So here it goes! First, let me say that I love
you so very much and I’m not saying this to hurt you and I’m sorry if it does,
but it must be said. There is a lot of hurt in my heart because of our current
situation. Actually, it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to
experience. It’s true, I made the decision to leave the Jehovah’s witnesses,
but you made the decision to disown me not me so stop blaming me for your hurt
and saying that I divided the family. You’re hurting because you want to hurt
not because of me. I understand that it’s easier to put all the blame on me so
you don’t feel guilty for treating your daughter as if she were some foreign
stranger you care nothing about but that’s wrong. I made my decision 6 years
ago and all that time I have felt nothing but rejection. Even during the times
you were actually helping me, I didn’t feel loved at all. In fact, do you know
that in the past 6 years, you haven’t genuinely told me you love me? I’m sure you’re
thinking: how can I say that? But it’s the truth! Telling me you love me and
then putting a condition on it by saying I need to be a Jehovah’s Witness again
makes your ‘I Love You’ irrelevant to me because it’s not genuine or
unconditional. Actions speak louder than words! Almost all of your actions for the past six years, from you kicking me out of your house to you cutting all communication with me, has only shown me that I'm not good enough in your eyes, that my feelings don't matter & that I'm not truly loved or wanted at all and those feelings have affected the other relationships in my life. Every time you bring up my faith and say that I need to leave it
behind and come back to the Jehovah's Witnesses and ask me if I even care about your happiness
& that you’re hurting, it hurts me so much because of course I care about
your pain. How can you ask such a thing? It’s not fair of you to put all that pressure
on me and give me a guilt trip for making a decision that makes my life mean
something whether you agree with it or not. In fact, it’s pretty manipulative
and cruel to place all your hurts on me when I have done nothing but try to be the
perfect daughter to you. But I get it now! I’m never going to be good enough for
you unless I become a Jehovah’s Witness again and that’s never going to happen.
I’m sorry but I can’t be the daughter you want me to be and I’m not sorry that I’m
choosing this path. I can't do what you ask from me and I won't leave or deny my faith just to make you happy. In fact, my decision to be a Christian is the only reason I’m
still alive. It saved me from so much pain and darkness, but I don’t ever
expect you to understand that. It pains me to say this but it’s time for me to
move on. I can’t continue to wish that you will come around and love and accept
me for me no matter what faith I’m in. When you told me you were cutting all communication
with me and that this is Gods will, it broke me, and even though it’s been over
a year since you made this decision, I am still broken and my heart can’t seem
to overcome the pain. For the past year, every time I see you, you are nice to
me only to then bring up why I should stop being a Christian & why don’t I make
you happy and take away your hurt, and that feels like I’m ripping off the band
aid all over again and exposing that wound of your rejection. I never get to heal
because the wound keeps getting reopened making the pain worse than it was
before, so now I must make a decision for me, for my well-being. I need to
fully heal from this pain that’s been consuming me & grieve your decision in
a healthy way so it’s time that I let you go. You made this decision to disown
me, but you get my hopes up by coming back into my life in random moments and you
think you’re helping me but you’re only hurting me more. I can’t even talk to
you in person and tell you these things because you never listen to me and only
worry about getting your own point across. You intimidate me and know exactly
what buttons to push to hurt me and you use them against me. Being around you
is just awkward now because my heart has grown numb to the hurt and I never
expect anything good to come from our paths crossing. You wanted me to suffer
to see if that would make me leave my faith and you succeeded in hurting me and
making my life difficult, but you will never succeed in pushing me to leave my
faith no matter what you do or take away from me. As a result, you have pushed
me away and my faith continues to grow more and more. But one thing remains,
the hurt of losing you. I can no longer bear this pain you have placed upon me
so, after you transfer the car in my name and take me off of your insurance, I’m
enforcing your decision against me by removing myself from the equation & not
contacting you anymore. I will no longer put forth any effort to be accepted or
even unconditionally loved in your eyes because it no longer matters. I’ve
tried for years and all I’ve gotten in return is guilt trips and lectures
resulting in me feeling utterly rejected and unloved. Quite frankly, I’ve had
enough & it’s time for a change. I need to accept the reality of this
situation no matter how much it kills me. And believe me, I’m completely
shattered inside! I love you with all my heart and always will & you will
always be in my prayers. I hope one day, you will come to realize that having
me as a daughter, no matter what decision I make, is enough and hopefully it won’t
be too late. But until then, I have to say Goodbye!
Sincerely, your daughter,
Yelafer
Cintron <3
