Day In , Day Out..

You've heard the phrase "Having your life flash before your eyes". You mostly hear that from people who have been in some sort of traumatic position where they thought or knew their was near. For me this phrase translates differently in my life. I feel trapped! Trapped in a worthless body with an even worse mind. Now when I say a worthless body, I dont mean that I am incapable of doing anything with any value or that I'm handicapped in any way. Instead,  I mean that I do my routine every day and even though I may do something different every single day, I feel as if I accomplished nothing. It's like this, I have a rational side of me that knows I need money in order to pay my bills and that in order to make money, I must work. And so as a result,  I have a job and yes I function very well at that job. The rational side also knows that because I function and do well at that job, I am doing something good and I'm worth something at my workplace. But there are always two sides to every story and so there are two sides to me. I have a rational side and with that comes the irrational side as well. That side is lead by my Depression and other diagnosis' and is also the side full of Negativity. It tells me that I'm helpless and worthless. That I'm no value to anyone and no one really cares about me. That's the struggle I face everyday! So what do I do? I know you may expect some sort of logical or even intellectual answer, but I dont have one because this is what I have to deal with day in, day out. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, hope and pray, keep my fingers crossed!

My Ironic Truth!

I have been a fraud ..I have 2 sides of me...The side you see and the side of what's really inside...Wanna know a secret? Im not happy..Honestly, there's only one moment where I feel complete joy and its when Im singing at church! So 2-3 hours in my week , I am at peace..Thats so sad..But its the truth, the complete brutal truth..Everyone says Depression hurts. but with me its a dark enemy that haunts me..I feel alone all the time , although I NEVER doubt that God is there and that he will free me one day...Truth is, I hate my Depression,but I am scared to Live without it..Now the only person Ive ever told this is my Therapist..But Im tired of living a Lie, living with this wall up and mask over myself..This crutch , this struggle , this life that is my own..I am blessed to be a daughter of the Living God, but everyday I get very tired of Living in Pain (in every sense of the word)..Some of you may read this and dismiss it saying "She's always depressed" and some will think im suicidal, but I am NOT!! God has a purpose for me and I intend to fulfill it so for that I live..NOT for me! And this is who I am..I know how to love and how to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, but I do not know how to be Happy..How Ironic!