I recently had a conversation with
my new psychiatrist about how I feel I've been lying to myself and repressing
my real feelings about myself and how depressed I truly am. I told him I had
received two journals for my birthday and Christmas which I had yet to write in
and how conflicted I felt about writing in them. He asked me why I was feeling
like this and I admitted that I am afraid of my own mind and what opening that
door would do to me and what that may cause me to write. I explained that I have
recently started coming to terms with my mental illness and even my physical
illnesses and that it truly scares me to write down how I truly feel. I used to
write all the time and it was amazing to be able to vent and share my emotions
on paper, but over the years I have repressed my emotions and didn’t allow
myself to feel anymore. It’s like I told myself that showing emotion was wrong
and I had no right to cry over anything. During a recent conversation with my
parents, they revealed that they feel I have become cold over the years. That was
an eye opener for me because I hadn’t thought about it at all and that’s what
caused me to evaluate myself and realize that they’re right. I remember a time
when I was sensitive to almost everything and I was at the point where I was
even crying myself to sleep every night and crying over any little thing. When I
shared this with my therapist, she
advised me that this wasn't healthy and that I should try to find more joy in
my life so I wouldn't be so down. I think that’s when I started allowing myself
to not feel and in turn I became numb to everything. And here we are, years
later and still numb. Even while writing this, I’m so hesitant because I can
feel myself getting vulnerable and emotional and I don’t like it, but I need to
do this. I need to open the door and unveils the despair in my mind. How else
will I be able to face it and eventually conquer it? I also shared with the
psychiatrist that since I was afraid of my own mind, this caused me to push
people away and isolate myself from them. I told him about the new friends I had
found at First Church and how I had opened up with them, but since I hadn't been
honest with myself, how could I be honest with them? I explained that I feel as
if my Depression has layers and I've only allowed myself to uncover the first
layer without going any deeper. And those very deep layers are what I’m most
afraid of uncovering. I’m afraid that once I uncover those layers, I will be
forced to face those feelings and pain I have repressed for so long. I’m also
afraid of ending up in a psychiatric hospital again. But I have to empower
myself to uncover those hidden emotions and believe that in the end, I will be better
off. It’s just getting there that’s my main issue right now. I’m so afraid of
being vulnerable! Every time I feel myself opening up passed that first layer
of my Depression or I feel myself getting vulnerable and on the verge of
crying, I shut myself down and stop all emotion from escaping. I need to learn
that my feelings matter and that it is okay to trust and be vulnerable once in
a while. I need to get away from my comfort zone and find that healthy balance between
crying all the time and not showing emotion ever. For anyone who reads this,
please help me because I can’t do this alone anymore. Please encourage me in
love and pray for me. I’m finally admitting I need help so please help me!
