A Conflicted Mind

I recently had a conversation with my new psychiatrist about how I feel I've been lying to myself and repressing my real feelings about myself and how depressed I truly am. I told him I had received two journals for my birthday and Christmas which I had yet to write in and how conflicted I felt about writing in them. He asked me why I was feeling like this and I admitted that I am afraid of my own mind and what opening that door would do to me and what that may cause me to write. I explained that I have recently started coming to terms with my mental illness and even my physical illnesses and that it truly scares me to write down how I truly feel. I used to write all the time and it was amazing to be able to vent and share my emotions on paper, but over the years I have repressed my emotions and didn’t allow myself to feel anymore. It’s like I told myself that showing emotion was wrong and I had no right to cry over anything. During a recent conversation with my parents, they revealed that they feel I have become cold over the years. That was an eye opener for me because I hadn’t thought about it at all and that’s what caused me to evaluate myself and realize that they’re right. I remember a time when I was sensitive to almost everything and I was at the point where I was even crying myself to sleep every night and crying over any little thing. When I shared this with my therapist,  she advised me that this wasn't healthy and that I should try to find more joy in my life so I wouldn't be so down. I think that’s when I started allowing myself to not feel and in turn I became numb to everything. And here we are, years later and still numb. Even while writing this, I’m so hesitant because I can feel myself getting vulnerable and emotional and I don’t like it, but I need to do this. I need to open the door and unveils the despair in my mind. How else will I be able to face it and eventually conquer it? I also shared with the psychiatrist that since I was afraid of my own mind, this caused me to push people away and isolate myself from them. I told him about the new friends I had found at First Church and how I had opened up with them, but since I hadn't been honest with myself, how could I be honest with them? I explained that I feel as if my Depression has layers and I've only allowed myself to uncover the first layer without going any deeper. And those very deep layers are what I’m most afraid of uncovering. I’m afraid that once I uncover those layers, I will be forced to face those feelings and pain I have repressed for so long. I’m also afraid of ending up in a psychiatric hospital again. But I have to empower myself to uncover those hidden emotions and believe that in the end, I will be better off. It’s just getting there that’s my main issue right now. I’m so afraid of being vulnerable! Every time I feel myself opening up passed that first layer of my Depression or I feel myself getting vulnerable and on the verge of crying, I shut myself down and stop all emotion from escaping. I need to learn that my feelings matter and that it is okay to trust and be vulnerable once in a while. I need to get away from my comfort zone and find that healthy balance between crying all the time and not showing emotion ever. For anyone who reads this, please help me because I can’t do this alone anymore. Please encourage me in love and pray for me. I’m finally admitting I need help so please help me!