To My First & True Love

Your love for me is overwhelming , the very thought of you brings a smile to my face, as I get to know you more, my soul can't bear the thought of not having you in my life, you make me new, you make me wanna be better, do better, love better, you make me feel beautiful & because of your immense love, I am more than what I think I am.. Sometimes the pain gets so deep, all I can do is cry & without hesitation you hold me til the pain subsides & joy creeps back into my heart once again.. It's because of you that I now love myself & see beauty all around me. You look at me & see the real me & you accept me & love me as if I never had a shameful past & it's because of you that I feel loved. It's because of you that I don't need the mask anymore & can be myself with boldness & confidence.. What a freeing feeling it is! To be able to finally see myself & realize that I am beautiful , that I am worth loving, that I am enough just the way I am. I don't need the mask because you love me & because you love me, I now love myself & see myself for who I really am not who others want me to be. I am so in love with you because you love me despite my many flaws & still chase after me when all I wanna do is push you away & disappear. That's true love! That's what Agape really means! I'm so honored to know what it means to love & be loved in the most powerful way. To know that no matter what I do or say, I am still unconditionally loved. That's beautiful & it was worth waiting for. Because now I can't imagine my life without it, I don't know how I could've lived my life imagining what love truly was & settling for what love truly wasn't. But now my heart & eyes are open to the reality of what love truly is & it's far better than any fairytale I could've imagined!
I love you more than I love myself, more than life itself because without you I am nothing!

Beauty From My Ashes!

Lately, I’ve been going through an interesting journey with God. In September, I finally found myself and learned to love myself. I had been battling my demons with depression for so long and I finally hit the end of my rope. I ended up sinning against myself, other believers, and most shamefully God. I remember yelling at God because I didn’t understand why I never could seem to find that joy that other believers talked about. And through all of my shame, I was left numb & broken and I hated who I became. I no longer knew that girl I saw in the mirror and I honestly wanted to end my life. While crying my eyes out one night, I told God that I was done and that if things didn’t change, I was going to kill myself and end this pain once and for all. I also told him that I was going to force myself to depend on him one last time, but if nothing changed my mind was made up. That’s when things started to change. I planned out healing meetings with my friends to inform them of how much I really needed help, I signed myself up for intensive group therapy, different bible studies, and I made my relationship with Christ my first priority. Little by little, the stone around my heart started to soften and I found myself feeling again. I had become so numb that I refused to shed a tear and I would shut down at any chance of vulnerability. After my first day in group therapy, I stopped cutting myself and have not cut now in over 3 months and I also stopped having frequent suicidal thoughts. I started to really dive into God's word and tried to understand who I was and where my identity was. And one day, I found it! I was praying and all of a sudden, I had the biggest epiphany and my eyes were opened to who I am. My identity was solely in Christ and I finally believed that I was beautiful and worthy of love and that because I have Jesus, I am enough and I don’t have to be anyone else but me. God never ceases to amaze me! I’m learning so much about who I am, what my passions are, and what I have to offer. I no longer wish to wear a mask because I don’t need it. I am secure in who I am because I am in Christ and nothing and no one will ever change that. I finally found the beauty from my ashes. Like the Phoenix, I have risen up to life and am more alive and stronger than ever. That’s what Jesus does! and I pray that all would come to a place where they embrace their true identity in Christ and only in Christ , not in what they’ve done or what has been done to them. Your past may explain you, but it doesn’t define you!! Only Jesus defines you and Praise God for that!!! =)