To My First & True Love

Your love for me is overwhelming , the very thought of you brings a smile to my face, as I get to know you more, my soul can't bear the thought of not having you in my life, you make me new, you make me wanna be better, do better, love better, you make me feel beautiful & because of your immense love, I am more than what I think I am.. Sometimes the pain gets so deep, all I can do is cry & without hesitation you hold me til the pain subsides & joy creeps back into my heart once again.. It's because of you that I now love myself & see beauty all around me. You look at me & see the real me & you accept me & love me as if I never had a shameful past & it's because of you that I feel loved. It's because of you that I don't need the mask anymore & can be myself with boldness & confidence.. What a freeing feeling it is! To be able to finally see myself & realize that I am beautiful , that I am worth loving, that I am enough just the way I am. I don't need the mask because you love me & because you love me, I now love myself & see myself for who I really am not who others want me to be. I am so in love with you because you love me despite my many flaws & still chase after me when all I wanna do is push you away & disappear. That's true love! That's what Agape really means! I'm so honored to know what it means to love & be loved in the most powerful way. To know that no matter what I do or say, I am still unconditionally loved. That's beautiful & it was worth waiting for. Because now I can't imagine my life without it, I don't know how I could've lived my life imagining what love truly was & settling for what love truly wasn't. But now my heart & eyes are open to the reality of what love truly is & it's far better than any fairytale I could've imagined!
I love you more than I love myself, more than life itself because without you I am nothing!

Beauty From My Ashes!

Lately, I’ve been going through an interesting journey with God. In September, I finally found myself and learned to love myself. I had been battling my demons with depression for so long and I finally hit the end of my rope. I ended up sinning against myself, other believers, and most shamefully God. I remember yelling at God because I didn’t understand why I never could seem to find that joy that other believers talked about. And through all of my shame, I was left numb & broken and I hated who I became. I no longer knew that girl I saw in the mirror and I honestly wanted to end my life. While crying my eyes out one night, I told God that I was done and that if things didn’t change, I was going to kill myself and end this pain once and for all. I also told him that I was going to force myself to depend on him one last time, but if nothing changed my mind was made up. That’s when things started to change. I planned out healing meetings with my friends to inform them of how much I really needed help, I signed myself up for intensive group therapy, different bible studies, and I made my relationship with Christ my first priority. Little by little, the stone around my heart started to soften and I found myself feeling again. I had become so numb that I refused to shed a tear and I would shut down at any chance of vulnerability. After my first day in group therapy, I stopped cutting myself and have not cut now in over 3 months and I also stopped having frequent suicidal thoughts. I started to really dive into God's word and tried to understand who I was and where my identity was. And one day, I found it! I was praying and all of a sudden, I had the biggest epiphany and my eyes were opened to who I am. My identity was solely in Christ and I finally believed that I was beautiful and worthy of love and that because I have Jesus, I am enough and I don’t have to be anyone else but me. God never ceases to amaze me! I’m learning so much about who I am, what my passions are, and what I have to offer. I no longer wish to wear a mask because I don’t need it. I am secure in who I am because I am in Christ and nothing and no one will ever change that. I finally found the beauty from my ashes. Like the Phoenix, I have risen up to life and am more alive and stronger than ever. That’s what Jesus does! and I pray that all would come to a place where they embrace their true identity in Christ and only in Christ , not in what they’ve done or what has been done to them. Your past may explain you, but it doesn’t define you!! Only Jesus defines you and Praise God for that!!! =)

God's Canvas

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling lately... God is definitely doing a work in my life that I never imagined. I'm still depression free , it's about to be 3 months . I finally am able to see life through God's eyes and I'm seeing people the same way. It's weird , you know? I recently noticed a cloud and I really looked at it and I couldn't help but be in awe of God's
canvas. Clouds are sort of my thing now , just saying! Have you ever noticed a cloud? And I mean really noticed it? It's glorious!! Not one is the same, but they're all equally as beautiful . I've come to realize that we are alike like clouds. All different sizes and each unique but most importantly, all beautiful . I wonder if that's what God had in mind when he made us. Either way, I see the world as a canvas and everyday God reveals a new painting and each is majestic and magnificent ... Go & see for yourself! 

Religion vs Relationship

RELIGION made me lose my parents completely this week & I mean completely (they disowned me & told me they never wanted to hear from me or see me again unless it was a true emergency like me dying) The pain of that Reality is beyond heart breaking (trust me I'm still crying)....
But RELATIONSHIP is what will Lead me to Give them Grace, Love them More, Pray for them & Be at Peace Knowing that God's got me & it will be Okay because " we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. " -Romans 8:28

....That's the Difference!!!!

"But everyone who denies me here on earth, I will also deny before my Father in heaven." -Matthew 10:33
"Anyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life." -Matthew 19:29
Sorry, Mom & Dad but Christ will always be First in my Life!!

A Conflicted Mind

I recently had a conversation with my new psychiatrist about how I feel I've been lying to myself and repressing my real feelings about myself and how depressed I truly am. I told him I had received two journals for my birthday and Christmas which I had yet to write in and how conflicted I felt about writing in them. He asked me why I was feeling like this and I admitted that I am afraid of my own mind and what opening that door would do to me and what that may cause me to write. I explained that I have recently started coming to terms with my mental illness and even my physical illnesses and that it truly scares me to write down how I truly feel. I used to write all the time and it was amazing to be able to vent and share my emotions on paper, but over the years I have repressed my emotions and didn’t allow myself to feel anymore. It’s like I told myself that showing emotion was wrong and I had no right to cry over anything. During a recent conversation with my parents, they revealed that they feel I have become cold over the years. That was an eye opener for me because I hadn’t thought about it at all and that’s what caused me to evaluate myself and realize that they’re right. I remember a time when I was sensitive to almost everything and I was at the point where I was even crying myself to sleep every night and crying over any little thing. When I shared this with my therapist,  she advised me that this wasn't healthy and that I should try to find more joy in my life so I wouldn't be so down. I think that’s when I started allowing myself to not feel and in turn I became numb to everything. And here we are, years later and still numb. Even while writing this, I’m so hesitant because I can feel myself getting vulnerable and emotional and I don’t like it, but I need to do this. I need to open the door and unveils the despair in my mind. How else will I be able to face it and eventually conquer it? I also shared with the psychiatrist that since I was afraid of my own mind, this caused me to push people away and isolate myself from them. I told him about the new friends I had found at First Church and how I had opened up with them, but since I hadn't been honest with myself, how could I be honest with them? I explained that I feel as if my Depression has layers and I've only allowed myself to uncover the first layer without going any deeper. And those very deep layers are what I’m most afraid of uncovering. I’m afraid that once I uncover those layers, I will be forced to face those feelings and pain I have repressed for so long. I’m also afraid of ending up in a psychiatric hospital again. But I have to empower myself to uncover those hidden emotions and believe that in the end, I will be better off. It’s just getting there that’s my main issue right now. I’m so afraid of being vulnerable! Every time I feel myself opening up passed that first layer of my Depression or I feel myself getting vulnerable and on the verge of crying, I shut myself down and stop all emotion from escaping. I need to learn that my feelings matter and that it is okay to trust and be vulnerable once in a while. I need to get away from my comfort zone and find that healthy balance between crying all the time and not showing emotion ever. For anyone who reads this, please help me because I can’t do this alone anymore. Please encourage me in love and pray for me. I’m finally admitting I need help so please help me!