It's Been One Year Already!?

Time to be vulnerable! Here it goes…

The last couple of weeks I’ve been so emotional and I’ve been just ignoring the reason why until now. It’s been exactly One Full Year since my parents disowned me completely. One Year and Four days to be exact. This year without my parents has been crazy to say the least. And I have not been honest about how much I’m grieving this issue. But I think it’s time! I feel like this past year has been one of shock and denial mixed with the reality of the rejection of my parents. One year ago, I fell into this deep depression after my parents’ decision to shun me completely and I lost myself and my identity. For so long, my identity was built on how great of a daughter I was and here I was abandoned for not leaving my faith. It got so bad that I became suicidal and emotionally numb and started self-harming and engaging in other self- destructive behaviors. God was so patient with me. I remember going to Wethersfield Cove and begging God to do something because I was too broken to go any further and if things didn’t change I was going to end it. Looking back, wow! So much has changed. Right after that, my therapist recommended intensive outpatient group therapist and I agreed to go. On the first day, I stopped cutting and the next 12 weeks were full of transformational changes. I learned to think differently and get a grip on my depression. God met me in the midst of my brokenness and loved me when I didn’t even love myself and he saved me from myself & even took away my depression. He was patient & loving as I slowly fell in love with him all over again. And when I did, I went back to the Wethersfield Cove and rededicated my life to Christ because I realized who I truly belonged to and where my true identity was: In Jesus! Now, One year later, I’m still Depression Free and I have not self-harmed since that first day of group therapy. In fact, I haven’t had one suicidal thought since then. I will admit, however, that the pain of not having my parents is still there and sometimes it hurts to very core of my being. But I don’t feel lost anymore. I miss my family more than anything, especially my mom. We were so close and when she would smile at me, it would brighten up my day no matter what was happening. Not having that anymore is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So the wounds are there and they haven’t healed just yet, but God all is possible. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely. Would I give anything to hear my parents tell me they genuinely love me and hug them one last time? More than you’ll ever know. Does it break my heart all over again when I see them and they don’t even acknowledge me? So very much! But I don’t regret my decision to give Jesus my life at all, not one bit. If this is the cross I have to bear, so be it! I love my parents, but Christ comes before anything and anyone no matter what. I say all this because I want to be honest about where I am regarding this issue. And if I’m completely honest, I still have a lot of healing to do with God especially because I still have a lot built up hurt, anger, and resentment towards my parents for all they’ve put me through. I trust that God will continue to be faithful and help me heal in his due time. Please don’t assume I’m over it just because I’ve stopped talking about it & I’m not crying every time you see me. Some days are better than others, but truth be told, I’m still hurting. So please continue to pray for my family situation!

…..Thank you & God Bless….

My Latest Challenge

So lately I’ve been feeling like my life is passing me by and nothing exciting is happening. I’ve also been really down for some reason. I’m working on not obsessing over analyzing people’s motives and intentions and instead working on myself more. There are some things I’ve yet to heal from and it needs to happen. I’ve realized that instead of working on the broken relationships in my life, I first have to work on my relationship with God. The hurts in my life have left me a bit skeptical of people and that’s why I’ve been driving myself crazy wondering why the act the way they act and what the motives are behind those actions. And as a result, all I’ve been left with is confusion and no answers. I realized that it’s not my job to figure out why people do what they do and that me doing that is pointless and time consuming, not to mention unproductive. So here I am, learning to trust and depend on God! And believe me, it’s not easy. My lack of trust in my physical life has crossed over into my spiritual life and that needs to change. I’m so grateful that God doesn’t love the way humans do and he continues to be patient and merciful with me. My therapist gave me the challenge to stop trying to analyze people’s motives, but to instead go all out for Jesus and see what God does. So instead of trying to be the perfect daughter, I’m going to pray for my parents and work on all the pain and resentment I actually have against them with God. Instead of wondering why a guy says one thing and does another, I’m going to stop initiating plans, work on myself, and give my love life over to God. Instead of trying to impress the worship team and prove myself worthy of being on the worship team, I’m going to work on why I joined in the first place: to Praise God with my voice. And instead of analyzing why certain people decide to be my friend when it’s convenient to them, I’m going to let things run their course meaning no more chasing people and focus on the amazing friends I do have. So there, that’s my challenge! It’s a tough one but I’m quite curious and excited to see how God works and transforms me in the process.

---> Challenge Accepted God, Now let’s do this right!!

Under The Spell

As I walk in, you’re already reeling me in.

How can I convey how I’m feeling?

You greet me with a hug & a smile.

And I’ll admit, I’m instantly hooked.

I look at you & as much as I try to look away, something about you still draws me in more & more.

The night progresses, & although I’m having fun, the mixed signals allow confusion to creep into my heart.

Why can’t I just let you go? Why can’t I look away? Is it because deep down I don’t want to? And although I hate that I love you, part of me likes this cat & mouse game.

Its messed up, I know!

Trust me, I know that well.

But if you stop, my heart will burst from the pain of knowing it’s really over.

So I’ll sit here & pretend I’m completely fine, even though I’m lying.

And I know that, later when I’m home, my pillow will taste the tears I bottled the whole night.

Is it worth it, they ask?

Is it worth all the pain and confusion you’re feeling?

I’ll always say no & make up a story of how I’m done, but then when I see your face & remember all the times you looked at me & saw the real me, and I’m under your spell once again.

Truth is, I’m alone & that reality hurts so much.

Honestly, I’m not ready to look away & I’m not ready to let go even though I know I have to.

So I’ll just play along until the pain becomes too much to bear.

And then I’ll break the spell & say goodbye to the one who saw me & loved me once before.