Time to be
vulnerable! Here it goes…
The last
couple of weeks I’ve been so emotional and I’ve been just ignoring the reason
why until now. It’s been exactly One Full Year since my parents disowned me
completely. One Year and Four days to be exact. This year without my parents
has been crazy to say the least. And I have not been honest about how much I’m
grieving this issue. But I think it’s time! I feel like this past year has been
one of shock and denial mixed with the reality of the rejection of my parents. One
year ago, I fell into this deep depression after my parents’ decision to shun
me completely and I lost myself and my identity. For so long, my identity was
built on how great of a daughter I was and here I was abandoned for not leaving
my faith. It got so bad that I became suicidal and emotionally numb and started
self-harming and engaging in other self- destructive behaviors. God was so
patient with me. I remember going to Wethersfield Cove and begging God to do
something because I was too broken to go any further and if things didn’t change
I was going to end it. Looking back, wow! So much has changed. Right after
that, my therapist recommended intensive outpatient group therapist and I
agreed to go. On the first day, I stopped cutting and the next 12 weeks were
full of transformational changes. I learned to think differently and get a grip
on my depression. God met me in the midst of my brokenness and loved me when I didn’t
even love myself and he saved me from myself & even took away my
depression. He was patient & loving as I slowly fell in love with him all
over again. And when I did, I went back to the Wethersfield Cove and
rededicated my life to Christ because I realized who I truly belonged to and
where my true identity was: In Jesus! Now, One year later, I’m still Depression
Free and I have not self-harmed since that first day of group therapy. In fact,
I haven’t had one suicidal thought since then. I will admit, however, that the
pain of not having my parents is still there and sometimes it hurts to very
core of my being. But I don’t feel lost anymore. I miss my family more than
anything, especially my mom. We were so close and when she would smile at me,
it would brighten up my day no matter what was happening. Not having that
anymore is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So the wounds are there
and they haven’t healed just yet, but God all is possible. Do I wish things
were different? Absolutely. Would I give anything to hear my parents tell me
they genuinely love me and hug them one last time? More than you’ll ever know. Does
it break my heart all over again when I see them and they don’t even acknowledge
me? So very much! But I don’t regret my decision to give Jesus my life at all, not
one bit. If this is the cross I have to bear, so be it! I love my parents, but
Christ comes before anything and anyone no matter what. I say all this because I
want to be honest about where I am regarding this issue. And if I’m completely
honest, I still have a lot of healing to do with God especially because I still
have a lot built up hurt, anger, and resentment towards my parents for all they’ve
put me through. I trust that God will continue to be faithful and help me heal
in his due time. Please don’t assume I’m over it just because I’ve stopped
talking about it & I’m not crying every time you see me. Some days are
better than others, but truth be told, I’m still hurting. So please continue to
pray for my family situation!
…..Thank you
& God Bless….
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