My Recent Singleness

I want to write about the recent struggles I’ve been having regarding romantic relationships. As many of you know, I went through a break up recently and I think it’s time to be transparent about what happened during & after the relationship. Nick and I have been friends from months and I always had an interest in him but never said anything. We started dating because I got the courage to ask him out. From the first date, we were a bit physical & I mean we kissed a lot. But I wanted this relationship to be different because I had never dated a Christian man before so we put boundaries in place to glorify God in the relationship. I’m not going to lie and say we didn’t cross those boundaries at one point because we did, but we repented and respected each other enough to put God first once again. The fact that we were friends, got along so great, and were so open & honest from the beginning really sped things along to us falling for each other quickly. I think we each never really had a relationship where we were truly accepted for who we were and we found comfort in being that support to each other. I got to know Nick in a way that most haven’t, I saw the different sides that doesn’t usually show anyone and we trusted each other with some deep wounds we had never expressed with anyone before. But after one month of dating, Nick broke up with me claiming he couldn’t trust me because of some of things I had done in my past with other guys and I didn’t share all of the intimate details of what had happened with those guys. I’m not going to lie, at first, I was extremely angry, but after thinking about it and putting myself in his shoes, I understood why he reacted the way he did. Now I want to set the record straight about a couple of things. First off, I don’t hate Nick at all! Second, even though we dated a short while, I do believe we truly fell for each other. I think Nick is an amazing guy who has been wounded so many times and I just think he truly hasn’t healed from some of those wounds and he needs to do that with God before he can ever be in a healthy relationship. I do not think he played me and lead me on just to hurt me. I am no longer in love with him and that’s not because I never was but because I prayed for God to take those feelings away and he did. I do still love Nick, but as a brother in Christ and friend. Am I sad? Yes I am! After our break up, we finally had our final talk to have closure and we said our goodbyes and agreed to still be friends which is awesome. The very next day, Nick texted me saying that his female friends were saying that I was adding them on social media and that they were scared I was going to hurt them in some way and Nick believed them. It wasn’t true and I felt so offended that he would even think that of me. He blocked me off of Facebook and we haven’t talked since. And that’s heartbreaking to me! I never realized how difficult it was to give my heart to someone until I was faced with a new relationship. And the only reason, I gave him my heart was because he poured his heart out to me and assured me that he was all in and wouldn’t disappear on me. He told me he was falling for me and eventually he did and told me he saw a future with me, but then we broke up over the slightest insecurity. Honestly, I was hurt but at peace because I wasn’t in that relationship to fill a void (like I have done in the past) because God had done that already months before. What hurts the most now, is that I lost a really dear friend who I trusted my deepest fears & dreams with. I opened up about things only God, my therapist, and I knew about and I don’t take lightly. And Nick did the same, but he took other people’s word over mine. I thought he thought of me & knew me better than that, but I guess I was wrong. I will always cherish our friendship and the time we had as a couple, because it helped me grow and it taught me so much about who I am and it pushed me to be a better version of myself. I fell for him because he showed me the 3 things I always wanted in a guy: He spoke life into me, he respected, accepted, & loved me for me, and he always pointed me to Jesus! And before him, I didn’t have hope that a guy could do that for me, but now I do. I hope that Nick & I can get passed this someday and truly be friends because we’re going to have to see each other in heaven & at the end of the day, we are brother & sister in Christ and that’s a bond that can’t be broken. Even though we haven’t talked, I still respect him & genuinely want the best for him. And I will never reveal the secrets he trusted me with as I hope he does the same for me as well. I’m finally over this break up and I feel great and am ready to date again, but this time I’m going to guard my heart a lot more & not give it away so easily. I am content in my singleness because Jesus truly is enough for me, but I know that I’m called to be a godly wife some day. And until that day comes, I will continue to chase after God’s heart and seek after his kingdom while also preparing myself for the role of being a wife. I’ll be honest, it’s really hard seeing a lot of my friends getting into relationships and falling in love, especially when you don’t have anyone and you have a deep desire to share Christ’s love with someone in a romantic level. And lately, it seems like more and more of my friends are either becoming couples or getting engaged, married, and starting families and sometimes that makes me sad. But I trust that I won’t be forever alone and that God is preparing me for an amazing guy who he has picked out just for me & that in itself is one awesome feeling!

 P.S- REAL men initiate, so have some courage and initiate, that’s one of the biggest things I’m looking out for the next time around! Just saying ;)

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

As I reflect on the past year, I can see that it was a year full of changes both good and bad. 2014 was a crazy year for me, yet one full of blessings. In April, I met some amazing people who I know consider to be family and I’m blessed to have them in my life. I also got disowned by my parents because of my faith. April-July, I hit rock bottom in my depression. The loss of my family made me feel like an orphan & I became so numb that I engaged in self-destructive behaviors like becoming suicidal, drinking & driving, cutting myself, and even breaking my vow of celibacy to God. In August, I checked myself into intensive outpatient individual therapy and group therapy (which changed my life). I stopped cutting and changed my way of thinking and stopped having suicidal thoughts. I also started attending South Church in Hartford. In September, I found my true identity in Christ & finally knew what it meant to be born-again; I also rededicated my life to Christ and recommitted myself to celibacy. I celebrated my 23^rd birthday with my awesome friends and had an amazing birthday weekend.  In October, I lost my home, moved in with a friend, then moved out again, and moved into a spare bedroom my coworker was renting out. I also got into a relationship with one of my friends who taught me that it is possible for someone to accept me despite my flaws (I will never forget that). My brother also got into a relationship with a lovely young lady and I was so pleased to have met her and see my brother so happy. In November, I received the gift of speaking in tongues (scary at first but so exciting). I celebrated my 2^nd Thanksgiving & introduced the guy I was dating to my family and had a great time. I also met the guys from his band who are amazing and I’m so blessed to have met them because they welcomed me into their little family with opened arms. I went to a few Bad Habit shows and got to rock out which is totally my thing! Also, my little brother turned 21 and it was bittersweet to see that he’s turned into a handsome young man & not that little kid anymore. Also that month, my relationship with my guy ended. I was hurt for a while, but then felt the Lord telling me to let him go and I did & now I feel free and at peace which surprises even me. In December, I celebrated my 3^rd Christmas, my romantic feelings for my ex went away (prayer is powerful) & now I only see him as a brother in Christ, I exchanged Christmas gift with my lovely girlies (I’m so happy to be a part of this sisterhood in Christ), I met one of my best friend’s new boyfriend (the guy is awesome & a true man of God & he makes my friend happy & that’s what matters) and his friends who are pretty cool too. Also, God granted me the opportunity to see my parents for the first time in months, and to hug them & kiss them and hear them tell me they love me. I am humbled and grateful for that in so many ways, Thank you Jesus! Celebrated New Years Eve with some awesome people & spent a nice relaxed evening rather than partying (it was a nice change). I praise God for all the things that have happened, good & bad, this past year of 2014 because I’m a brand new person because of it (which I honestly didn’t think could happen). So here we are, 2015! (So many opportunities and possibilities). I sense God is going to do amazing, spectacular, and transformational things this year so be ready. This year, my goal is to keep falling in love with Jesus more and more, to get to know myself more in my identity in Christ, and to love others the way that I’m called to. That is all! I’m looking forward to see what journey God has in store for me and for all of us. Welcome 2015, I’m ready, let’s go!

To My First & True Love

Your love for me is overwhelming , the very thought of you brings a smile to my face, as I get to know you more, my soul can't bear the thought of not having you in my life, you make me new, you make me wanna be better, do better, love better, you make me feel beautiful & because of your immense love, I am more than what I think I am.. Sometimes the pain gets so deep, all I can do is cry & without hesitation you hold me til the pain subsides & joy creeps back into my heart once again.. It's because of you that I now love myself & see beauty all around me. You look at me & see the real me & you accept me & love me as if I never had a shameful past & it's because of you that I feel loved. It's because of you that I don't need the mask anymore & can be myself with boldness & confidence.. What a freeing feeling it is! To be able to finally see myself & realize that I am beautiful , that I am worth loving, that I am enough just the way I am. I don't need the mask because you love me & because you love me, I now love myself & see myself for who I really am not who others want me to be. I am so in love with you because you love me despite my many flaws & still chase after me when all I wanna do is push you away & disappear. That's true love! That's what Agape really means! I'm so honored to know what it means to love & be loved in the most powerful way. To know that no matter what I do or say, I am still unconditionally loved. That's beautiful & it was worth waiting for. Because now I can't imagine my life without it, I don't know how I could've lived my life imagining what love truly was & settling for what love truly wasn't. But now my heart & eyes are open to the reality of what love truly is & it's far better than any fairytale I could've imagined!
I love you more than I love myself, more than life itself because without you I am nothing!

Beauty From My Ashes!

Lately, I’ve been going through an interesting journey with God. In September, I finally found myself and learned to love myself. I had been battling my demons with depression for so long and I finally hit the end of my rope. I ended up sinning against myself, other believers, and most shamefully God. I remember yelling at God because I didn’t understand why I never could seem to find that joy that other believers talked about. And through all of my shame, I was left numb & broken and I hated who I became. I no longer knew that girl I saw in the mirror and I honestly wanted to end my life. While crying my eyes out one night, I told God that I was done and that if things didn’t change, I was going to kill myself and end this pain once and for all. I also told him that I was going to force myself to depend on him one last time, but if nothing changed my mind was made up. That’s when things started to change. I planned out healing meetings with my friends to inform them of how much I really needed help, I signed myself up for intensive group therapy, different bible studies, and I made my relationship with Christ my first priority. Little by little, the stone around my heart started to soften and I found myself feeling again. I had become so numb that I refused to shed a tear and I would shut down at any chance of vulnerability. After my first day in group therapy, I stopped cutting myself and have not cut now in over 3 months and I also stopped having frequent suicidal thoughts. I started to really dive into God's word and tried to understand who I was and where my identity was. And one day, I found it! I was praying and all of a sudden, I had the biggest epiphany and my eyes were opened to who I am. My identity was solely in Christ and I finally believed that I was beautiful and worthy of love and that because I have Jesus, I am enough and I don’t have to be anyone else but me. God never ceases to amaze me! I’m learning so much about who I am, what my passions are, and what I have to offer. I no longer wish to wear a mask because I don’t need it. I am secure in who I am because I am in Christ and nothing and no one will ever change that. I finally found the beauty from my ashes. Like the Phoenix, I have risen up to life and am more alive and stronger than ever. That’s what Jesus does! and I pray that all would come to a place where they embrace their true identity in Christ and only in Christ , not in what they’ve done or what has been done to them. Your past may explain you, but it doesn’t define you!! Only Jesus defines you and Praise God for that!!! =)

God's Canvas

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling lately... God is definitely doing a work in my life that I never imagined. I'm still depression free , it's about to be 3 months . I finally am able to see life through God's eyes and I'm seeing people the same way. It's weird , you know? I recently noticed a cloud and I really looked at it and I couldn't help but be in awe of God's
canvas. Clouds are sort of my thing now , just saying! Have you ever noticed a cloud? And I mean really noticed it? It's glorious!! Not one is the same, but they're all equally as beautiful . I've come to realize that we are alike like clouds. All different sizes and each unique but most importantly, all beautiful . I wonder if that's what God had in mind when he made us. Either way, I see the world as a canvas and everyday God reveals a new painting and each is majestic and magnificent ... Go & see for yourself! 

Religion vs Relationship

RELIGION made me lose my parents completely this week & I mean completely (they disowned me & told me they never wanted to hear from me or see me again unless it was a true emergency like me dying) The pain of that Reality is beyond heart breaking (trust me I'm still crying)....
But RELATIONSHIP is what will Lead me to Give them Grace, Love them More, Pray for them & Be at Peace Knowing that God's got me & it will be Okay because " we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. " -Romans 8:28

....That's the Difference!!!!

"But everyone who denies me here on earth, I will also deny before my Father in heaven." -Matthew 10:33
"Anyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life." -Matthew 19:29
Sorry, Mom & Dad but Christ will always be First in my Life!!

A Conflicted Mind

I recently had a conversation with my new psychiatrist about how I feel I've been lying to myself and repressing my real feelings about myself and how depressed I truly am. I told him I had received two journals for my birthday and Christmas which I had yet to write in and how conflicted I felt about writing in them. He asked me why I was feeling like this and I admitted that I am afraid of my own mind and what opening that door would do to me and what that may cause me to write. I explained that I have recently started coming to terms with my mental illness and even my physical illnesses and that it truly scares me to write down how I truly feel. I used to write all the time and it was amazing to be able to vent and share my emotions on paper, but over the years I have repressed my emotions and didn’t allow myself to feel anymore. It’s like I told myself that showing emotion was wrong and I had no right to cry over anything. During a recent conversation with my parents, they revealed that they feel I have become cold over the years. That was an eye opener for me because I hadn’t thought about it at all and that’s what caused me to evaluate myself and realize that they’re right. I remember a time when I was sensitive to almost everything and I was at the point where I was even crying myself to sleep every night and crying over any little thing. When I shared this with my therapist,  she advised me that this wasn't healthy and that I should try to find more joy in my life so I wouldn't be so down. I think that’s when I started allowing myself to not feel and in turn I became numb to everything. And here we are, years later and still numb. Even while writing this, I’m so hesitant because I can feel myself getting vulnerable and emotional and I don’t like it, but I need to do this. I need to open the door and unveils the despair in my mind. How else will I be able to face it and eventually conquer it? I also shared with the psychiatrist that since I was afraid of my own mind, this caused me to push people away and isolate myself from them. I told him about the new friends I had found at First Church and how I had opened up with them, but since I hadn't been honest with myself, how could I be honest with them? I explained that I feel as if my Depression has layers and I've only allowed myself to uncover the first layer without going any deeper. And those very deep layers are what I’m most afraid of uncovering. I’m afraid that once I uncover those layers, I will be forced to face those feelings and pain I have repressed for so long. I’m also afraid of ending up in a psychiatric hospital again. But I have to empower myself to uncover those hidden emotions and believe that in the end, I will be better off. It’s just getting there that’s my main issue right now. I’m so afraid of being vulnerable! Every time I feel myself opening up passed that first layer of my Depression or I feel myself getting vulnerable and on the verge of crying, I shut myself down and stop all emotion from escaping. I need to learn that my feelings matter and that it is okay to trust and be vulnerable once in a while. I need to get away from my comfort zone and find that healthy balance between crying all the time and not showing emotion ever. For anyone who reads this, please help me because I can’t do this alone anymore. Please encourage me in love and pray for me. I’m finally admitting I need help so please help me!