Be Your True Self

What’s up with dating now a days? Quite a confusing game isn’t it? I mean what’s up with acting like you’re perfect just to impress another human being? Why can’t we just be our true selves (weirdness, quirks, flaws & all) and just meet that person who will love us based on that not who we are pretending to be. That’s just me but I think it would avoid a lot of heart ache if people stopped putting up a mask and were transparent about who they are. I tell you from experience! For many years, I put up a mask and only revealed what I thought people expected from me and was it worth it? NO! I became super bitter towards people, and worst of all to myself. But once I removed that mask, I found people in my life who embraced my full self. Now I’m not currently in a relationship, but I am hopeful that the same sentiment applies. Who cares if you’re weird or loud or funny or a bit more quirky than others, be you because that in itself is beautiful. Someone will see your true beauty and if they don’t, they’re aren’t for you, trust me!

I wanted to write this because I come across so many people who have this mask up and then are afraid to lose people when they decide to show their true selves to the world. But why?! Take off all that pressure off of yourself and be you from the first moment you encounter someone. So what if you have a dark past? Who doesn’t have a past! Be you!!!! Be your own kind of beautiful because you are one of a kind. There’s no one else in this entire world or universe like you so why not reveal the gift of yourself to the world.

Hope this is encouraging to someone out there!!

Know your Worth, Be YOU because YOU are Beautiful & YOU are One Of a Kind!

Transformations!

It’s crazy how you can be awake on a random Summer Thursday morning at 3am and be in tears from how overwhelmed you feel. That’s me right now! Well let me explain why I feel so overwhelmed. My life has been hard especially in the last 6 years after becoming a Christian. It’s been the craziest roller coaster ride of my life and yet so magically beautiful all at the same time. I’ve lost so much, but I’ve also gained amazing things and people along the way. I’ve loved hard and I’ve been hurt in more ways than one. I’ve been judged and misunderstood for many reasons, some of which I can admit are my fault. But I’ve also been accepted and loved in a way I never imagined was possible. So as I sit here thinking about my life for the past 6 years, yes, I am indeed overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed because despite all the pain I’ve faced, I see so much beauty in the world not despair like I did for so many years. After being disowned by my parents due to my faith, I developed so much anger and resentment towards my parents that I couldn’t imagine loving them & extending grace to them the way Christ would want me to. And yet, here I am feeling free because I have finally forgiven them and let go of all that anger and resentment and given it to God. After being depressed for over 15 years and seeing pure darkness in myself, I finally see the light in every situation. And after hating myself for so long, feeling lost & hopeless, ugly & trying to find myself, I finally found myself in the one who I truly belong to: Jesus! Now I know where my identity lies and I can finally see myself through God’s eyes not anyone else’s’ or even my own.

6 years later, everything is truly different and for so long I lost sight of the amazing things God has done in my life and is continuing to do. No more! God is at work in me in such amazingly beautiful ways and I don’t want to live my life missing that or taking for granted the adventure I’m on with the person who holds my heart. I always thought it was so cliché to “fall in love” with God like if it were a romantic relationship with another human being, but it’s not. In fact, it’s not only possible, it’s so much better than anything you have ever experienced or can imagine experiencing. Feeling God’s overwhelming love and loving him back is something words can’t even fully describe because they will always fall short to how amazing it truly is.

I get it now Jesus! You love me, I mean you really truly fully unconditionally love me even in the times when I feel unlovable and unworthy. You pursue me and chase me even when I go my own way. And when I come to my senses, all I have to do is turn around and see you there with open arms reaching out to me. You build me up when I feel broken, you hold me when all I want to do is cry and be held, you listen to me no matter what I have to say and you show me you care unlike anyone I’ve ever met. And most importantly, you love me for me flaws and all so thank you!! Thank you for all the great things you have done for me, inside of my soul, and through me, the amazing people you’ve brought into my life, and those you’ve taken away. Thank you for the pains & storms I’ve overcome and for those you’ll help me get through in the future. And thank you for never leaving me alone and for loving me just because I’m simply me. I love you more than anyone and anything!! I am in awe of you and overwhelmed by your love and your holy presence.

Mold me to your liking Lord, I am Yours!

…and You are Mine. (& what a beautiful reality that is!)

A Final Goodbye =(

Dear Mom & Dad,

I am writing to you because there are a few things I need to get off my chest especially at this point in time in my life. So here it goes! First, let me say that I love you so very much and I’m not saying this to hurt you and I’m sorry if it does, but it must be said. There is a lot of hurt in my heart because of our current situation. Actually, it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to experience. It’s true, I made the decision to leave the Jehovah’s witnesses, but you made the decision to disown me not me so stop blaming me for your hurt and saying that I divided the family. You’re hurting because you want to hurt not because of me. I understand that it’s easier to put all the blame on me so you don’t feel guilty for treating your daughter as if she were some foreign stranger you care nothing about but that’s wrong. I made my decision 6 years ago and all that time I have felt nothing but rejection. Even during the times you were actually helping me, I didn’t feel loved at all. In fact, do you know that in the past 6 years, you haven’t genuinely told me you love me? I’m sure you’re thinking: how can I say that? But it’s the truth! Telling me you love me and then putting a condition on it by saying I need to be a Jehovah’s Witness again makes your ‘I Love You’ irrelevant to me because it’s not genuine or unconditional. Actions speak louder than words! Almost all of your actions for the past six years, from you kicking me out of your house to you cutting all communication with me, has only shown me that I'm not good enough in your eyes, that my feelings don't matter & that I'm not truly loved or wanted at all and those feelings have affected the other relationships in my life. Every time you bring up my faith and say that I need to leave it behind and come back to the Jehovah's Witnesses and ask me if I even care about your happiness & that you’re hurting, it hurts me so much because of course I care about your pain. How can you ask such a thing? It’s not fair of you to put all that pressure on me and give me a guilt trip for making a decision that makes my life mean something whether you agree with it or not. In fact, it’s pretty manipulative and cruel to place all your hurts on me when I have done nothing but try to be the perfect daughter to you. But I get it now! I’m never going to be good enough for you unless I become a Jehovah’s Witness again and that’s never going to happen. I’m sorry but I can’t be the daughter you want me to be and I’m not sorry that I’m choosing this path. I can't do what you ask from me and I won't leave or deny my faith just to make you happy. In fact, my decision to be a Christian is the only reason I’m still alive. It saved me from so much pain and darkness, but I don’t ever expect you to understand that. It pains me to say this but it’s time for me to move on. I can’t continue to wish that you will come around and love and accept me for me no matter what faith I’m in. When you told me you were cutting all communication with me and that this is Gods will, it broke me, and even though it’s been over a year since you made this decision, I am still broken and my heart can’t seem to overcome the pain. For the past year, every time I see you, you are nice to me only to then bring up why I should stop being a Christian & why don’t I make you happy and take away your hurt, and that feels like I’m ripping off the band aid all over again and exposing that wound of your rejection. I never get to heal because the wound keeps getting reopened making the pain worse than it was before, so now I must make a decision for me, for my well-being. I need to fully heal from this pain that’s been consuming me & grieve your decision in a healthy way so it’s time that I let you go. You made this decision to disown me, but you get my hopes up by coming back into my life in random moments and you think you’re helping me but you’re only hurting me more. I can’t even talk to you in person and tell you these things because you never listen to me and only worry about getting your own point across. You intimidate me and know exactly what buttons to push to hurt me and you use them against me. Being around you is just awkward now because my heart has grown numb to the hurt and I never expect anything good to come from our paths crossing. You wanted me to suffer to see if that would make me leave my faith and you succeeded in hurting me and making my life difficult, but you will never succeed in pushing me to leave my faith no matter what you do or take away from me. As a result, you have pushed me away and my faith continues to grow more and more. But one thing remains, the hurt of losing you. I can no longer bear this pain you have placed upon me so, after you transfer the car in my name and take me off of your insurance, I’m enforcing your decision against me by removing myself from the equation & not contacting you anymore. I will no longer put forth any effort to be accepted or even unconditionally loved in your eyes because it no longer matters. I’ve tried for years and all I’ve gotten in return is guilt trips and lectures resulting in me feeling utterly rejected and unloved. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough & it’s time for a change. I need to accept the reality of this situation no matter how much it kills me. And believe me, I’m completely shattered inside! I love you with all my heart and always will & you will always be in my prayers. I hope one day, you will come to realize that having me as a daughter, no matter what decision I make, is enough and hopefully it won’t be too late. But until then, I have to say Goodbye!

Sincerely, your daughter,

Yelafer Cintron <3

Loneliness - Poem

Loneliness.

How much I loath you!

You are like a dark cloud that creeps in the worst moments.

You come right in uninvited.

You suck the joy right from my heart. And you don’t even apologize for doing so.

You’re like a wound that refuses to heal.

I cover you up in hopes that you’ll get the hint and move on, but you continue to linger.

You remind me of what I don’t wanna remember.

You stick with me like a bad cold.

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake you off.

Loneliness.

Depart from me now.

I don’t want you around.

I don’t need you in my life.

I've never longed for you.

All I do is ignore you.

Take a hint and go away.

Don’t make me beg please.

Leave me so I can be at peace once again.

It's Been One Year Already!?

Time to be vulnerable! Here it goes…

The last couple of weeks I’ve been so emotional and I’ve been just ignoring the reason why until now. It’s been exactly One Full Year since my parents disowned me completely. One Year and Four days to be exact. This year without my parents has been crazy to say the least. And I have not been honest about how much I’m grieving this issue. But I think it’s time! I feel like this past year has been one of shock and denial mixed with the reality of the rejection of my parents. One year ago, I fell into this deep depression after my parents’ decision to shun me completely and I lost myself and my identity. For so long, my identity was built on how great of a daughter I was and here I was abandoned for not leaving my faith. It got so bad that I became suicidal and emotionally numb and started self-harming and engaging in other self- destructive behaviors. God was so patient with me. I remember going to Wethersfield Cove and begging God to do something because I was too broken to go any further and if things didn’t change I was going to end it. Looking back, wow! So much has changed. Right after that, my therapist recommended intensive outpatient group therapist and I agreed to go. On the first day, I stopped cutting and the next 12 weeks were full of transformational changes. I learned to think differently and get a grip on my depression. God met me in the midst of my brokenness and loved me when I didn’t even love myself and he saved me from myself & even took away my depression. He was patient & loving as I slowly fell in love with him all over again. And when I did, I went back to the Wethersfield Cove and rededicated my life to Christ because I realized who I truly belonged to and where my true identity was: In Jesus! Now, One year later, I’m still Depression Free and I have not self-harmed since that first day of group therapy. In fact, I haven’t had one suicidal thought since then. I will admit, however, that the pain of not having my parents is still there and sometimes it hurts to very core of my being. But I don’t feel lost anymore. I miss my family more than anything, especially my mom. We were so close and when she would smile at me, it would brighten up my day no matter what was happening. Not having that anymore is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So the wounds are there and they haven’t healed just yet, but God all is possible. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely. Would I give anything to hear my parents tell me they genuinely love me and hug them one last time? More than you’ll ever know. Does it break my heart all over again when I see them and they don’t even acknowledge me? So very much! But I don’t regret my decision to give Jesus my life at all, not one bit. If this is the cross I have to bear, so be it! I love my parents, but Christ comes before anything and anyone no matter what. I say all this because I want to be honest about where I am regarding this issue. And if I’m completely honest, I still have a lot of healing to do with God especially because I still have a lot built up hurt, anger, and resentment towards my parents for all they’ve put me through. I trust that God will continue to be faithful and help me heal in his due time. Please don’t assume I’m over it just because I’ve stopped talking about it & I’m not crying every time you see me. Some days are better than others, but truth be told, I’m still hurting. So please continue to pray for my family situation!

…..Thank you & God Bless….

My Latest Challenge

So lately I’ve been feeling like my life is passing me by and nothing exciting is happening. I’ve also been really down for some reason. I’m working on not obsessing over analyzing people’s motives and intentions and instead working on myself more. There are some things I’ve yet to heal from and it needs to happen. I’ve realized that instead of working on the broken relationships in my life, I first have to work on my relationship with God. The hurts in my life have left me a bit skeptical of people and that’s why I’ve been driving myself crazy wondering why the act the way they act and what the motives are behind those actions. And as a result, all I’ve been left with is confusion and no answers. I realized that it’s not my job to figure out why people do what they do and that me doing that is pointless and time consuming, not to mention unproductive. So here I am, learning to trust and depend on God! And believe me, it’s not easy. My lack of trust in my physical life has crossed over into my spiritual life and that needs to change. I’m so grateful that God doesn’t love the way humans do and he continues to be patient and merciful with me. My therapist gave me the challenge to stop trying to analyze people’s motives, but to instead go all out for Jesus and see what God does. So instead of trying to be the perfect daughter, I’m going to pray for my parents and work on all the pain and resentment I actually have against them with God. Instead of wondering why a guy says one thing and does another, I’m going to stop initiating plans, work on myself, and give my love life over to God. Instead of trying to impress the worship team and prove myself worthy of being on the worship team, I’m going to work on why I joined in the first place: to Praise God with my voice. And instead of analyzing why certain people decide to be my friend when it’s convenient to them, I’m going to let things run their course meaning no more chasing people and focus on the amazing friends I do have. So there, that’s my challenge! It’s a tough one but I’m quite curious and excited to see how God works and transforms me in the process.

---> Challenge Accepted God, Now let’s do this right!!

Under The Spell

As I walk in, you’re already reeling me in.

How can I convey how I’m feeling?

You greet me with a hug & a smile.

And I’ll admit, I’m instantly hooked.

I look at you & as much as I try to look away, something about you still draws me in more & more.

The night progresses, & although I’m having fun, the mixed signals allow confusion to creep into my heart.

Why can’t I just let you go? Why can’t I look away? Is it because deep down I don’t want to? And although I hate that I love you, part of me likes this cat & mouse game.

Its messed up, I know!

Trust me, I know that well.

But if you stop, my heart will burst from the pain of knowing it’s really over.

So I’ll sit here & pretend I’m completely fine, even though I’m lying.

And I know that, later when I’m home, my pillow will taste the tears I bottled the whole night.

Is it worth it, they ask?

Is it worth all the pain and confusion you’re feeling?

I’ll always say no & make up a story of how I’m done, but then when I see your face & remember all the times you looked at me & saw the real me, and I’m under your spell once again.

Truth is, I’m alone & that reality hurts so much.

Honestly, I’m not ready to look away & I’m not ready to let go even though I know I have to.

So I’ll just play along until the pain becomes too much to bear.

And then I’ll break the spell & say goodbye to the one who saw me & loved me once before.