The Cross I must Bear!

Jesus says we should all bear our own cross in order to follow him, also we should deny ourselves to follow him. He has also said in scripture that he didn't come to bring peace, but to divide.

I live these things with my family. They're Jehovah's witnesses & do NOT like or tolerate that I am a Christian now & no longer a part of their religion. They always use many different tactics to "try" to persuade me to come back to the JWs, but they always fail. They promise me a better life, without any bills, free rent, free car, etc etc. They've threatened to stay away from me or stop talking to me & then after a few days they talk to me again. Today was bad! It was pretty random too. My parent's wanted to take my brother out for dinner & it was obvious I wasn't invited. My mom told me where they were going & she told me & then I was invited. I told my dad up front that I didn't want to talk about religious stuff. Then I heard my father pull here aside & ask why did she tell me. He Did NOT want me going so I told my mom I wasn't going. My father then comes after & says : we are going to talk about spiritual things & you're gonna take it because you are the first one who needs to hear it. I told him I wasn't going & so he proceeded to talk about religion anyway, after I had clearly told him I didn't want to. The next hour or so was all him rambling on about why my faith is wrong & why I'm this & that! He even compared me to Satan & Judas (the man who betrayed Jesus). Really? Talk about a low blow! Its devastating to hear these things from your own family members. My mom started adding on saying they were going to move to be away from me. All this because I'm a Christian! My father then continued to talk & then ask me to decide if I was going to continue in this "false religion" & if I was, he wasn't going to associate himself with me anymore, because he felt he was disobeying God by being around me. I grabbed all my stuff & just left, no one said a word! Not even to say goodbye! Truth is I was very overwhelmed when I left & I caught myself driving reckless so I pulled over at a near park & cried my eyes out. I let it all go! They broke my heart honestly & I hope its another phase that passes after a few days. I honestly feel as if I have no family , as if they moved on from me ever since I became a Christian. I don't feel like the daughter or sister! I feel like I'm just some random person they knew but then so easily forgot. All I can do now is take it day by day & pray that God softens they're hearts!

A Pain to Peace

A Pain To Peace
Sitting here in a room full of emptiness surrounding it.
I find myself writing and thinking, trying to comprehend why life is the way it is.
My head full of thoughts, fears, and memories that haunt my everyday life.
I close my eyes and try to break free from the thoughts and pain.
I get up, turn the light on , and watch myself in the mirror and start to think once more.
With the thoughts racing and flashing through my head, i no longer can think straight.
The sense and feeling of emotions bottled up and the pain building up overpowers me and i no longer feel like myself.
Emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, hopelessness fill my head and the feeling of emptiness and loneliness grabs a hold of me.
I watch this whole process posess me, with my own very eyes, while i look at myself in the mirror.
But wait what's this? Tears?
The pain continues to tear me up inside as on the outside tears run down my cheeks rapidly like pouring rain.
All of this continues until i cant take it anymore and i fall to my knees and look up to the heavens.
I continue to breakdown , but i pray to God and tell him to help me, guide me, to give me strength, and to be with me.
All of a sudden, I feel a sense of calmness and peace.
I knew God had heard my prayer and broke me free from the pain.
My tears dried up and i feel like myself again.
A pain to peace... What a Relief!!
As this feeling slowly calms down, my phone rings and I knew God was sending someone to come to my rescue.
Before picking up the phone, i look up at the heavens once more, and i say "thank you", then i pick up the phone.
******* It's magnificient how God works. He helps you when you're in need and is there with you and for you all the time, every step of the way guiding you with his light so you can walk on the right path and never have to suffer. We should give thanks, praise, and appreciate everything God has done, will do, and what he has given us. Don't ever think that you're alone ,you're not, God is watching over you and he cares about you.

There IS Hope..

As human beings, its normal that we will experience many trials, heartache, brokenness, and disappointments. Because of this we lose hope in life very easily, especially in the things that we love but cause us pain. Even though that is true, there is great news..Jesus is Lord! Why is that great news? Because Jesus Christ is the only one who can give u real hope and satisfaction in life. Not material things, the best car, the hottest partner, your looks, or any man-made religion/organization..These things are nothing compared to the powerful transformation that Jesus can do in your life. There IS hope! Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life..and he is also Hope..he and only he can bring hope to this fallen world..so next time you lose hope in life remember: Jesus is Lord & there's is true HOPE in him!
† Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 John 3:3 - Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

1 Timothy 4:10 - ... we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.... AMEN!!!!

In Christ!

In Christ, I found life.
In Christ, I found happiness.
In Christ, I found family.
In Christ, I found friends.
In Christ, I found Truth.
In Christ, I found humility.
In Christ, I found prayer.
In Christ, I found Hope.
In Christ, I found Power.
In Christ, I found the Cross.
In Christ, I found Suffering.
But in Christ, I found Strength.
In Christ, I found Peace.
In Christ, I found Love.
In Christ, I found God.
And in Christ & through Christ, I found Myself!!


****Praise be to God for saving someone as blind as I once was, but now have found the Light!****

A Battle of The Heart

I've been known to fall alittle too quick in the past, and then end up getting hurt. Dealing with that sucks so bad. I've never been the girl that accepts all the pickup lines and such , never that. When I say a battle of the heart, I mean a real battle. A battle between wanting to love but not knowing if its real or not. If they're telling you the truth or just playing you like a fool. When you get your heart broken,  you never truly know how much it really affects you til you really try dating again. Then you constantly questioning yourself, the other person, and the situation in itself. Then you feel guilty because you know you shouldn't be comparing the past with the present , but that's how you learn from your mistakes,  isnt it? How do you ever know if its true! I guess its how people say, when its true you'll know it . But what if its not like that? One thing is for sure love is truly a complicated aspect in ones life. It's a battle of the heart! A constant struggle to develop and maintain. One thing is for sure, I'm glad im still a helpless romantic. I still believe that in the end its so worth it , if you have the right person who's worth it ,that is. Keep living, Keep Trying, Keep loving! Its like riding a bike, if you fall, get back up and try again. Maybe the next time you try,  you'll get the hang of it & hold on while you enjoy the ride. All I know is that when you find it, it changes your life!

My Silent Lambs Story

I wrote this when i was 17 , but its something personal & delicate that i did experience so please be mature about it!

My Silent Lambs Story


I am currently 17 years old and an Ex. Jehovah’s Witness. I recently disassociated myself from the organization a few months ago. I was born in this religion and practiced it my whole life, until I was 16 years old. All my life, you can say that my family had always been on top. My father was an elder of the congregation and my mother, a very loyal pioneer. Since I was very little, all the Jehovah’s Witnesses would refer to me as the future pioneer. As an elder’s daughter, I was pressured a lot about getting baptized and serving “God’s Organization” faithfully. I loved Jehovah God and I longed for the day when I could dedicate my life to the Almighty God. We lived in ....Hartford.., ..CT.... and I had many spiritual goals for my life. Unfortunately, when I was 9 years old, I was molested by a 15-year-old Jehovah’s Witness boy. My days during that year and the experiences I had were terrible and horrific for me. I was very young and didn’t really understand what happened to me. After a few months of this going on, the situation started to become very aggressive and scary for me. I had enough with this abuse so I told the boy after a Kingdom Hall meeting that this had to stop. I was done with all this and decided to tell my parents about what was going on. To my shock, my parents were a bit disappointed in me. Me??? Why?? They made me feel like it was my fault or that I looked for this to happen to me. I was so confused!! I didn’t know what to do. My parents were on my side, but they still made me feel guilty. My parents brought me to the hospital to check if was hurt in any way. My family and I discussed the situation with the doctors and some social workers as well, but nothing was barely done. When they asked my parents if they wanted to press charges, my parents immediately said “no.” I did not understand!!! How could my own parents bring this pain upon me and let me suffer with the terrible experience I had just lived? I tried really hard to comprehend the actions my parents were taking. After going to the hospital, the boy’s parents were notified and the congregation elders were called too. It was Wednesday night and we had just had our theocratic meeting. It was time to have a meeting with the elders, my family, and his family. I was so nervous, but I was determined to tell the truth no matter what. As I proceeded to tell my side of the story, he and his parents were attacking me, basically calling me a liar. When it was his turn to speak his side of the story, he said that I was lying and that I was making all that stuff up. He actually said that I was the one who had forced him to do all those things to me. I could not believe that. How ridiculous did he sound saying those lies? His parents, of course, continued to attack me going on their son’s side. The other thing that I couldn’t believe was that the elders were actually believing his story/lies. I felt so desperate, lonely, and sad. After everyone spoke their sides of the story, the elders asked if anyone had a final comment before they proceeded to make a decision. I immediately spoke and said that I had told the truth the entire time. Why would I ever want to make this up? Then they asked the boy and he confessed that he had lied about his side of the story. His parents looked at him in shock, while my parents broke down in tears. Afterwards, the elders told us to step out of the room and we did. The situation was never spoken of again. Nothing was done!! Once I stepped foot out of that congregational meeting room, everyone went on with their lives; except for me. I was left there misunderstood, confused, hurt, and depressed. No one helped me get over this. After this situation, I was basically forced to grow up and mature all by myself. Whenever I tried to approach my parents on the past occurrences, my parents would shut me down telling me not to talk about it, put in the past, and forget about it. I learned to keep my mouth shut and deal with all my psychological problems alone. Over the past years, I have continued to deal with what happened to me at 9 years of age. It wasn’t until I was 16, when I found out that the Watchtower Society actually had a policy that said ‘if someone is raped or molested, nothing can be done unless there are 2 or more eye-witnesses present when the situation happened’. That made me doubt the organization a lot and I suffered continuously with my depression without even being diagnosed with depression. I am now 17 years old and I suffer from Depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I now must deal with these psychological problems because nothing was done in the past to help me overcome and understand what I had experienced. Life gets very hard for me while also dealing with these problems. I love the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I really do, but the fact that they allow situations like mine to happen is really a disgrace in God’s eyes. God would never want his children to suffer the way the organization let me suffer. Now, I am no longer a Jehovah’s Witness as I previously mentioned. I am now a Christian and I feel much happier now that I’m no longer in darkness. I have accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior and am now Born-Again or Saved. It really is a privilege to live my life the right way, instead of serving an Organization in doubt of whether or not I have my salvation. I’m doing better psychologically too. Since my parents refused to help me out seeking psychological help for me, I was forced to seek the help myself, with the help of my close friends. Now I go to therapy and am doing better dealing with my problems in life, from the past and the present. I look forward to life now, and am truly grateful to have the Lord and true Christian brothers and sisters by my side!!!!! I hope that my story was beneficial for others who have also been abused in any way.....

.. ..

May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you all and thank you for the opportunity of sharing my story!!....

Ticking Time Bomb ***

I believe in the term "a ticking time bomb" . I don't believe it always has to be related to anger though. I think it can be over any emotional feeling actually. I experienced today what it can do to a person when you hold all your emotions in & don't express them. I saw the pain & anguish in their eyes. I know how it feels to hold my feelings in. All my life, ever since I got molested at 9 , I have learned to shut up about expressing what I felt & it messes you up emotionally. I was a ticking time bomb & I did hit my breaking point where I exploded & couldn't take it anymore. My explosion was a mixture of both sadness, anger, & disappointment all combined. Talk therapy changed my life! When I first started, I couldn't open up because of my previous experiences, but once I saw that my therapist was there to help, I started opening up. It felt so good letting go of all the heart-ache, the pain, the anger, all my inner feelings unleashed. Such relief! Someone I know did that today & sadly I know they are still "ticking". Although they opened up alittle, there is still a lot to be discovered & it better to do it sooner than later, trust me I would know. So if you have feelings, express them! Don't be ashamed. Tell a friend or a close relative/ adult. Don't keep things bottled up like that, its not healthy in any sense. Because sooner or later , you're going to come to the end of that rope & the bomb is going to explode & after the damage is done, you cannot take it back. I know its hard , but there are people out there who really care! Believe me..its true! Don't be a ticking time bomb, express yourself! =)

A Mysterious Way!

God always amazes me with the things he does. The things he puts in my life or throws at me from time to time ,either good or bad. He always shows me, one way or another, that he always has a plan. I love that! Its never boring with God because as long as you live, there will always be something new to learn when it comes to God. That's awesome. I've noticed God is answering many prayers at the same time. For example, I've been praying for more satisfaction in my life in any way & that God may use me to glorify his name & help others & in return God helps me as well. One of my friends is going though a tough break-up & its been really hard on her. God lead her to me & I've been doing my best to help out. The funny thing is: at first, I thought this probably just a day (get advice & move on) thing. It turns out its not! I'm glad because today I started seeing God's hand in all this. She's lost & has no where to turn. I told her to turn to the one place I guarantee helps: UP! God is the ultimate healer of all wounds whether big or small. I learned that through my hard break-up over a year ago. Out of no where I got the greatest sensation that I had to help my friend on a deeper/spiritual level. Randomly I just started thinking of different scriptures about comfort, strength, hope, etc & I just knew it was the Holy Spirit at work. It felt amazing to help someone & also in return help myself through God's hand of course. I feel God has a bigger plan for all of this & I can't wait to see what's in store!

My Unknown

I titled this post my unknown because there are a lot of things hidden within myself, a lot of things people don't know. I don't trust a lot of people because people have shown me they can't be trusted. My issues started when I was nine. I believe that's when I first felt misunderstood, as if no one around me got me as a person or even cared to see how I was feeling. At 9 years old, my first traumatic event happened: I was molested by a friend of the family. I'll go deep within that issue on another post , but here I'll just write down just the situations in itself that happened. Like the title says its the unknown, my unknown. I was always a good kid , everyone always liked me & I didn't expect that to happen to me at all. That was the first time, the people who supposed to care for me didn't & I was left to deal all by myself. I thought the nightmare was over , but I was wrong. This event is one I can talk about to the close people in my life , but the rest is unknown to those around me. It gets alittle harder to speak about after this. I have always been a private person & that's good in a sense of course, but I hold too much in & that's the problem. Well here goes nothing! At age 10, I went to visit one of my mom's relatives for the first time in upper NY. It was supposed to be a fun trip & it was for the most part , but only for my family not for me. Little did they know , that after hours I was being molested yet again! This time by my female cousin. I was never the same after that, I knew it was wrong , but I was still confused. A girl??? What?? I never told anyone about that not even my family, they really didn't help the first time so why would there care now? Throughout the years I struggled with that fact, it took me a while to realize that I wasn't gay just because a girl molested me. I didn't do anything wrong, she did. That's when depression was introduced into my life. I was so sad all the time, but I was great at hiding it. Nobody ever noticed that something was wrong. I disguised the pain & acted like a normal healthy happy child/teen & it worked. Everyone saw a energetic happy girl full of life although on the inside a darkness was forming in my heart. I did manage to tell my dad once and his response to me was, "everyone gets a little touch by someone when they're younger". Seriously? Great support! And yes I'm being sarcastic in case you couldn't tell. After that incident,  that darkness in my heart grew deeper and deeper. When I was in the 7th grade, I started to cut myself. At first it was only when I'd feel depressed and just a few scratches. But then I started cutting any time I felt any sort of negative emotion. And as the frequency of my cutting increased so did the depth of my self-inflicted wounds. The people who know of this, know that I used to cut my wrist. What people don't know is that's not the only place I've cut before. When my cutting progressed to something either than scratches, I was afraid that I would get caught by my parents so I started to cut myself in my legs, and even my stomach in a few occasions.  Now lets flash forward to age 16 shall we?!? At this age, I fell in love.. I met a guy who was also a Jehovah's Witness at the time and with whom I later became a Christian with. Since the very beginning, our relationship was persecuted by the very members of our former religion. We fought hard, and I guess won some battles. When I turned 17, my life changed for the better and the worse. After studying the scriptures, I noticed that some of the JW doctrine didn't match with what the bible taught and so I made the decision to disassociate myself  from the organization. When my family caught wind of this, they started to treat me badly , calling me Satan and all other sorts of harsh names. I got so depressed and suicidal, that the next day I went to school and told them that if they let me go home, I would kill myself. For the next few days, I spent my days in a psych ward of a hospital for observation. 3 days later, they transferred me to go to a safe house for at risk teens. I was there for 2 weeks and during those 2 weeks, I got to go to church for the first time and loved it. I also got to have my first Christmas and send in my disassociation letter. After a while, my family started making promises about treating me better and being sensitive to my situation. I believed them and so I voluntarily checked myself out of the safe house. But I wasn't out 5 minutes before my family started attacking me and treating me badly again. The next few months, I spent my time in my room by myself while my family went to parties, out to dinner, or just eating dinner at home together without me. In 2009, I cut myself very deep and was checked into the hospital, where I stayed for a night and then was sent to the Institute of Living which is a psychiatric hospital. I was only there two days, but it felt like weeks or even months and during that time I cried in bed and refused to eat. I eventually couldn't take it anymore so I agreed to go into a out patient program with group therapy and they sent me home. That was the last time I cut myself that deep. When I turned 18, my family invited to celebrate my parent's anniversary in Puerto Rico. I went and that's when started feeling the shunning again. My dad's side of the family are JWs,  and they refused to come to my parent's party if I was there. When we came back to CT, it was Easter and as a new christian, I had never celebrated Easter before. So I went to Church. During the night, I called my dad to come and pick me up and he said I no longer lived there. In July, me and my ex broke up. After that, I will admit that I did cut myself once. In August, I was in such a deep depression that I started to try and build new relationships. I met one guy who had gone to my High school. He asked me to come to his house and just hang out. He made me believe that there would be other people home, but we got there, nobody was home. That guy tried to rape me and I froze and started to shake . I started to pray and then the guy stopped and took me home. Most people don't know that after that, I also tried to kill myself by taking a lot of pills, but they only made me sleepy and I woke up the next day. I'm not quite over that incident,  but its a process and I'm currently in therapy for all these situations. Healing takes time and because of all that I have had to face, I decided to be a Christian Counselor to help the broken just like me, but also sharing God's truth through it all. 

Relaxing & Realizing

So after work, I spent my day just relaxing which I needed after a long few days. I came to realize a few things. I have a lot to offer to people & it makes me feel good when I'm being a good friend/ support system for someone else. My friend called & she was having guy problems. She's heart-broken & feels lost in a way. I understand exactly how that feels cuz I've been through that exact problem before. I had my heart broken over a year ago & it was a struggle to get over it. I gave her honest advice that I knew from experience. And you know what? It made me feel really good to help out & telling her I would be there the whole process. I know how bad it feels when you lose the one you love so it was no problem to help her out. I also realized that while I was helping her, not only did it make me feel good, but it made me feel stress free ,as if I had no issues to deal with. It was amazing to feel that way! I do believe that its gonna take some time to get over the love you once had , but it will slowly pass. I don't think all guys are jerks , although most of them are haha. What I've learned is not to be bitter after its passed & trust me it doesn't help to hold on to all that anger. You end up hurting yourself while the other person either doesn't care or has moved on. No girl deserves that pain! He may not deserve your tears , but you certainly have the right to shed them (just not around him). I feel good being there for another in need. I never thought my experiences would ever benefit another person. And in a way I'm glad I went through those trials because in the end I get to help a friend out & that to me is awesome. Hmm, 2012 is showing me things already. I'm eager to see what else I will come to discover!

Finally 2012! New Years Day

So after having a semi-ok/ scary New Years in New York. Woke up today so sore! But then went home took a nap & tried not to think about the madness around me. All the stress & nothing seems to be working. Yeah I go to therapy, my therapist says to breathe & stay away from the stress. As if that can be possible! All of my stresses are too real just to turn away. They haunt me every day. All I have is God to sustain & honestly sometimes I feel too ashamed, for some reason, to even face God. I feel so alone! Its sad I keep all these emotions bottled up over so many different things. Sometimes I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs til all the stress goes away. Even though I know that's not gonna happen. I feel so fet up, so frustrated & tired. I live alone & it sucks. I just want my 2012 to be amazing & so much better! 2011 was a horrible year for me. Too much heart-ache, stress, drama, anger, etc etc. I don't want a repeat. I'm glad I've overcome that year though, it makes me stronger. But the year has only begun! I'm gonna try & stay positive , but knowing me that won't last long. You see, that's the problem with depression! Its never satisfied, it wants you to be more & more negative & sadly I fall in its trap quite often. I hate it though, I must admit. I wanna manage stress better in 2012. Find new love =). Have way more fun! Get a new job! Be healthier! & most importantly, strengthen my walk with God. I wanna really trust God to be my strength because I can't bear it alone..I hate it , I feel so drained on so many levels. Sometimes I think to myself how I'd rather die & be with God than be here dealing with all these issues. Well I pray 2012 brings more good than bad, I pray that so bad! We'll see what happens I guess.


-"For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of Power, of Love , and Self-Control!" -2 Tim. 1:7