My Unknown

I titled this post my unknown because there are a lot of things hidden within myself, a lot of things people don't know. I don't trust a lot of people because people have shown me they can't be trusted. My issues started when I was nine. I believe that's when I first felt misunderstood, as if no one around me got me as a person or even cared to see how I was feeling. At 9 years old, my first traumatic event happened: I was molested by a friend of the family. I'll go deep within that issue on another post , but here I'll just write down just the situations in itself that happened. Like the title says its the unknown, my unknown. I was always a good kid , everyone always liked me & I didn't expect that to happen to me at all. That was the first time, the people who supposed to care for me didn't & I was left to deal all by myself. I thought the nightmare was over , but I was wrong. This event is one I can talk about to the close people in my life , but the rest is unknown to those around me. It gets alittle harder to speak about after this. I have always been a private person & that's good in a sense of course, but I hold too much in & that's the problem. Well here goes nothing! At age 10, I went to visit one of my mom's relatives for the first time in upper NY. It was supposed to be a fun trip & it was for the most part , but only for my family not for me. Little did they know , that after hours I was being molested yet again! This time by my female cousin. I was never the same after that, I knew it was wrong , but I was still confused. A girl??? What?? I never told anyone about that not even my family, they really didn't help the first time so why would there care now? Throughout the years I struggled with that fact, it took me a while to realize that I wasn't gay just because a girl molested me. I didn't do anything wrong, she did. That's when depression was introduced into my life. I was so sad all the time, but I was great at hiding it. Nobody ever noticed that something was wrong. I disguised the pain & acted like a normal healthy happy child/teen & it worked. Everyone saw a energetic happy girl full of life although on the inside a darkness was forming in my heart. I did manage to tell my dad once and his response to me was, "everyone gets a little touch by someone when they're younger". Seriously? Great support! And yes I'm being sarcastic in case you couldn't tell. After that incident,  that darkness in my heart grew deeper and deeper. When I was in the 7th grade, I started to cut myself. At first it was only when I'd feel depressed and just a few scratches. But then I started cutting any time I felt any sort of negative emotion. And as the frequency of my cutting increased so did the depth of my self-inflicted wounds. The people who know of this, know that I used to cut my wrist. What people don't know is that's not the only place I've cut before. When my cutting progressed to something either than scratches, I was afraid that I would get caught by my parents so I started to cut myself in my legs, and even my stomach in a few occasions.  Now lets flash forward to age 16 shall we?!? At this age, I fell in love.. I met a guy who was also a Jehovah's Witness at the time and with whom I later became a Christian with. Since the very beginning, our relationship was persecuted by the very members of our former religion. We fought hard, and I guess won some battles. When I turned 17, my life changed for the better and the worse. After studying the scriptures, I noticed that some of the JW doctrine didn't match with what the bible taught and so I made the decision to disassociate myself  from the organization. When my family caught wind of this, they started to treat me badly , calling me Satan and all other sorts of harsh names. I got so depressed and suicidal, that the next day I went to school and told them that if they let me go home, I would kill myself. For the next few days, I spent my days in a psych ward of a hospital for observation. 3 days later, they transferred me to go to a safe house for at risk teens. I was there for 2 weeks and during those 2 weeks, I got to go to church for the first time and loved it. I also got to have my first Christmas and send in my disassociation letter. After a while, my family started making promises about treating me better and being sensitive to my situation. I believed them and so I voluntarily checked myself out of the safe house. But I wasn't out 5 minutes before my family started attacking me and treating me badly again. The next few months, I spent my time in my room by myself while my family went to parties, out to dinner, or just eating dinner at home together without me. In 2009, I cut myself very deep and was checked into the hospital, where I stayed for a night and then was sent to the Institute of Living which is a psychiatric hospital. I was only there two days, but it felt like weeks or even months and during that time I cried in bed and refused to eat. I eventually couldn't take it anymore so I agreed to go into a out patient program with group therapy and they sent me home. That was the last time I cut myself that deep. When I turned 18, my family invited to celebrate my parent's anniversary in Puerto Rico. I went and that's when started feeling the shunning again. My dad's side of the family are JWs,  and they refused to come to my parent's party if I was there. When we came back to CT, it was Easter and as a new christian, I had never celebrated Easter before. So I went to Church. During the night, I called my dad to come and pick me up and he said I no longer lived there. In July, me and my ex broke up. After that, I will admit that I did cut myself once. In August, I was in such a deep depression that I started to try and build new relationships. I met one guy who had gone to my High school. He asked me to come to his house and just hang out. He made me believe that there would be other people home, but we got there, nobody was home. That guy tried to rape me and I froze and started to shake . I started to pray and then the guy stopped and took me home. Most people don't know that after that, I also tried to kill myself by taking a lot of pills, but they only made me sleepy and I woke up the next day. I'm not quite over that incident,  but its a process and I'm currently in therapy for all these situations. Healing takes time and because of all that I have had to face, I decided to be a Christian Counselor to help the broken just like me, but also sharing God's truth through it all.