Day In , Day Out..

You've heard the phrase "Having your life flash before your eyes". You mostly hear that from people who have been in some sort of traumatic position where they thought or knew their was near. For me this phrase translates differently in my life. I feel trapped! Trapped in a worthless body with an even worse mind. Now when I say a worthless body, I dont mean that I am incapable of doing anything with any value or that I'm handicapped in any way. Instead,  I mean that I do my routine every day and even though I may do something different every single day, I feel as if I accomplished nothing. It's like this, I have a rational side of me that knows I need money in order to pay my bills and that in order to make money, I must work. And so as a result,  I have a job and yes I function very well at that job. The rational side also knows that because I function and do well at that job, I am doing something good and I'm worth something at my workplace. But there are always two sides to every story and so there are two sides to me. I have a rational side and with that comes the irrational side as well. That side is lead by my Depression and other diagnosis' and is also the side full of Negativity. It tells me that I'm helpless and worthless. That I'm no value to anyone and no one really cares about me. That's the struggle I face everyday! So what do I do? I know you may expect some sort of logical or even intellectual answer, but I dont have one because this is what I have to deal with day in, day out. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, hope and pray, keep my fingers crossed!

My Ironic Truth!

I have been a fraud ..I have 2 sides of me...The side you see and the side of what's really inside...Wanna know a secret? Im not happy..Honestly, there's only one moment where I feel complete joy and its when Im singing at church! So 2-3 hours in my week , I am at peace..Thats so sad..But its the truth, the complete brutal truth..Everyone says Depression hurts. but with me its a dark enemy that haunts me..I feel alone all the time , although I NEVER doubt that God is there and that he will free me one day...Truth is, I hate my Depression,but I am scared to Live without it..Now the only person Ive ever told this is my Therapist..But Im tired of living a Lie, living with this wall up and mask over myself..This crutch , this struggle , this life that is my own..I am blessed to be a daughter of the Living God, but everyday I get very tired of Living in Pain (in every sense of the word)..Some of you may read this and dismiss it saying "She's always depressed" and some will think im suicidal, but I am NOT!! God has a purpose for me and I intend to fulfill it so for that I live..NOT for me! And this is who I am..I know how to love and how to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, but I do not know how to be Happy..How Ironic!

Do Your Homework People!!!

I really hate when people tell me I don't feel a certain way or they're telling how I really feel or should be feeling. That is so annoying! Who are you to tell me what I am or should be feeling? You are definitely not me! who are you to judge me for my feelings? And just in case, let me be clear and say that this isn't directed to anyone in particular. Its actually directed to the multiple of people who's ignorance blinds them from being considerate of what other's are actually feeling, not what they want them to feel. For example, don't tell me that I'm not sad or mad because obviously if I'm mentioning a certain emotion its because I'm actually feeling it. Don't tell me I'm being a bad Christian for feeling depressed because there were people in the Bible who were depressed and even suicidal. And my favorite one of all, don't tell me I don't have a mental illness when I actually do have one. You may not like it , but I know what I feel and no one can tell me anything different. Why be so ignorant as to deny what clearly has existed for years and years ?!? My intention isn't to completely sound hostile or harsh, but the truth of the matter is we are in a New Age of life where education is key and there's no reason to be misjudging or misinterpreting such vital issues that we encounter day in and day out. I know many must be thinking: "Oh here she goes again!" or "Why is she always on this topic?". Honestly, its quite sad that I have to constantly revisit this issue. Like I said,  Do your homework people!! And then maybe I wouldn't have to keep bringing this up. This is what I deal with every day! People who think they're helping me , but all they do is make things so much more worse. For now I'll just leave it at that..Do Your Homework!!!

Misinterpreting Mental Illness

In our society, its true what people say that it seems as if there is a diagnosis for every emotion & a pill to go with it. But what do you do or how do you deal with those who actually have mental illness. Do you judge or do you stay away? Do you even understand what mental illness really is or do you just stand by and misinterpret it like all the others? I have met so many people with such closed minds that keep them from actually searching the answers of how mental illness works ,even when their very own children are suffering with these diseases. Let's analyze some for a moment. Let's talk about Depression! And No, it doesnt just mean you're sad and then you get over it. That is one of the most common responses from those who misinterpret mental illness. Or Bipolar Disorder... People use that term so lightly. Someone gets quick to anger and immediately someone says, "You're so Bipolar!" Have you ever stopped to think how a person who actually suffers from this disease feels? What they go through? Or better yet.. What if the very person you are "insulting" or "judging" is actually suffering from the disease without you even knowing? Hmm..Maybe you've thought about this before or maybe you havent, but the truth of the matter is that mental illness is out there and more and more people each day are dealing with all these different diseases. Hurting, crying, suffering, and your words and actions may be affecting them more than you think. Please watch what you say because you never know who could be suffering behind closed doors. I am a perfect example of that! I have Depression and like others I have been judged or misunderstood for my illness. That's why most people who know me know that I have Depression but dont know the extent of my illness. My father , for example, is one who misinterprets mental illness so much. He acts as if its all in your head and you should just get over it. But thats not how it works. I suffer alot to the point that Im no longer happy unless Im singing in my church's choir or am singing in church or just hanging out with some friends. I hate waking up each morning and still feeling the unbearable weight of the sorrow inside me and the pain that comes along with that. But I suffer in silence because so many people say such cruel things that I cant deal with hearing alot of times. So I know first hand the effects that misterpreting mental illness can have. Please do your research, think before you speak, and if your ignorance to this world blinds you please at least be kind enough to bite your tongue.

Biting The Tongue?...

Have you ever been in a situation where you know someone close to you is in a bad situation, but you know if you say something you may compromise your friendship with them? Of course you have! After all,  we are all human here..So what do you do? You bite your tongue! People say:
if you dont have anything good to say then dont say anything at all!" But what if what you have to say is beneficial to them? Well I suppose it wont make much of a difference if they arent willing to hear what you have to say in the first place. Sometimes listening to your heart can be the wrong decision, after all,  the Bible does say "the Heart can be deceiving" (Jeremiah 17:9). It really does pain me to see those around make decisions that I feel will break them rather than make them, sort of speak. I hate to think that I have to sit back, bite my tongue, and watch as the story unfolds in front of my very eyes. But if I speak up,  I may lose a dear friend that I hold close to my heart. I guess all I can do is pray! Pray that I am wrong and that no hearts will be broken. Pray that God shields that friend with his mighty protection. And pray that if they do get hurt , he would comfort them and send me to help them pick themselves up and move forward. Lord, I am so worried for my friend! Please guard her heart and guard her soul ..I trust you will be there every step of the way!

Exposed..

You've heard the term "skeletons in the closet" before, recently I experienced what that really means. On April 2012, my "skeletons" were exposed, to say the least. Never in my life would I ever imagine actually saying that. A while ago, I started being harrassed on facebook by a person who "hacked" another's profile. They always tried to make me get involved in my ex's marriage, to try & break them up or start lies/problems between them. When I'd refuse, this person would insult me or threaten me. I ignored this person for a while until once again, they tried to manipulate me into causing more issues. When I refused again, this person became very angry & they told me that if I didnt do what they said, they would expose inappropriate pictures of me on the internet. They even went as far as to send me the very pictures they were threatening to expose. I tried to give myself some more time to try & figure out what I could do, so I asked if they would give me time to think about what they wanted me to do. They wanted me to turn over all my email / facebook accounts, which I knew I could not afford to do. So while I was at work, apparently, this person messaged me on facebook & gave me a time limit. Since I was at work, I didn't get to read the message & so obviously the time limit they gave me was passed and so they exposed my pictures. Although, those pictures were from the time that lived in sin & wasnt completely commited to God, I was alittle confident in the fact that I was not that person anymore and that the people who knew me would trust that I was not the person I was then. But although that was true, the fact that my body was exposed in that way haunts me. I am a person that takes sexuality very seriously, especially because of my past history. And it kills me inside to feel that someone would be so evil to expose me in that way to fulfill their own selfish desires. I am still not over this incident, and every time a man passes by me , I crunge at the fact of a simple look or stare. It hurts to know that so many people know intimate details of my body & that makes me wanna crawl into a dark hole & never come out! But I am confident that God will heal my heart when he feels necessary..

The Cross I must Bear!

Jesus says we should all bear our own cross in order to follow him, also we should deny ourselves to follow him. He has also said in scripture that he didn't come to bring peace, but to divide.

I live these things with my family. They're Jehovah's witnesses & do NOT like or tolerate that I am a Christian now & no longer a part of their religion. They always use many different tactics to "try" to persuade me to come back to the JWs, but they always fail. They promise me a better life, without any bills, free rent, free car, etc etc. They've threatened to stay away from me or stop talking to me & then after a few days they talk to me again. Today was bad! It was pretty random too. My parent's wanted to take my brother out for dinner & it was obvious I wasn't invited. My mom told me where they were going & she told me & then I was invited. I told my dad up front that I didn't want to talk about religious stuff. Then I heard my father pull here aside & ask why did she tell me. He Did NOT want me going so I told my mom I wasn't going. My father then comes after & says : we are going to talk about spiritual things & you're gonna take it because you are the first one who needs to hear it. I told him I wasn't going & so he proceeded to talk about religion anyway, after I had clearly told him I didn't want to. The next hour or so was all him rambling on about why my faith is wrong & why I'm this & that! He even compared me to Satan & Judas (the man who betrayed Jesus). Really? Talk about a low blow! Its devastating to hear these things from your own family members. My mom started adding on saying they were going to move to be away from me. All this because I'm a Christian! My father then continued to talk & then ask me to decide if I was going to continue in this "false religion" & if I was, he wasn't going to associate himself with me anymore, because he felt he was disobeying God by being around me. I grabbed all my stuff & just left, no one said a word! Not even to say goodbye! Truth is I was very overwhelmed when I left & I caught myself driving reckless so I pulled over at a near park & cried my eyes out. I let it all go! They broke my heart honestly & I hope its another phase that passes after a few days. I honestly feel as if I have no family , as if they moved on from me ever since I became a Christian. I don't feel like the daughter or sister! I feel like I'm just some random person they knew but then so easily forgot. All I can do now is take it day by day & pray that God softens they're hearts!

A Pain to Peace

A Pain To Peace
Sitting here in a room full of emptiness surrounding it.
I find myself writing and thinking, trying to comprehend why life is the way it is.
My head full of thoughts, fears, and memories that haunt my everyday life.
I close my eyes and try to break free from the thoughts and pain.
I get up, turn the light on , and watch myself in the mirror and start to think once more.
With the thoughts racing and flashing through my head, i no longer can think straight.
The sense and feeling of emotions bottled up and the pain building up overpowers me and i no longer feel like myself.
Emotions of anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety, hopelessness fill my head and the feeling of emptiness and loneliness grabs a hold of me.
I watch this whole process posess me, with my own very eyes, while i look at myself in the mirror.
But wait what's this? Tears?
The pain continues to tear me up inside as on the outside tears run down my cheeks rapidly like pouring rain.
All of this continues until i cant take it anymore and i fall to my knees and look up to the heavens.
I continue to breakdown , but i pray to God and tell him to help me, guide me, to give me strength, and to be with me.
All of a sudden, I feel a sense of calmness and peace.
I knew God had heard my prayer and broke me free from the pain.
My tears dried up and i feel like myself again.
A pain to peace... What a Relief!!
As this feeling slowly calms down, my phone rings and I knew God was sending someone to come to my rescue.
Before picking up the phone, i look up at the heavens once more, and i say "thank you", then i pick up the phone.
******* It's magnificient how God works. He helps you when you're in need and is there with you and for you all the time, every step of the way guiding you with his light so you can walk on the right path and never have to suffer. We should give thanks, praise, and appreciate everything God has done, will do, and what he has given us. Don't ever think that you're alone ,you're not, God is watching over you and he cares about you.

There IS Hope..

As human beings, its normal that we will experience many trials, heartache, brokenness, and disappointments. Because of this we lose hope in life very easily, especially in the things that we love but cause us pain. Even though that is true, there is great news..Jesus is Lord! Why is that great news? Because Jesus Christ is the only one who can give u real hope and satisfaction in life. Not material things, the best car, the hottest partner, your looks, or any man-made religion/organization..These things are nothing compared to the powerful transformation that Jesus can do in your life. There IS hope! Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life..and he is also Hope..he and only he can bring hope to this fallen world..so next time you lose hope in life remember: Jesus is Lord & there's is true HOPE in him!
† Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 John 3:3 - Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

1 Timothy 4:10 - ... we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.... AMEN!!!!

In Christ!

In Christ, I found life.
In Christ, I found happiness.
In Christ, I found family.
In Christ, I found friends.
In Christ, I found Truth.
In Christ, I found humility.
In Christ, I found prayer.
In Christ, I found Hope.
In Christ, I found Power.
In Christ, I found the Cross.
In Christ, I found Suffering.
But in Christ, I found Strength.
In Christ, I found Peace.
In Christ, I found Love.
In Christ, I found God.
And in Christ & through Christ, I found Myself!!


****Praise be to God for saving someone as blind as I once was, but now have found the Light!****

A Battle of The Heart

I've been known to fall alittle too quick in the past, and then end up getting hurt. Dealing with that sucks so bad. I've never been the girl that accepts all the pickup lines and such , never that. When I say a battle of the heart, I mean a real battle. A battle between wanting to love but not knowing if its real or not. If they're telling you the truth or just playing you like a fool. When you get your heart broken,  you never truly know how much it really affects you til you really try dating again. Then you constantly questioning yourself, the other person, and the situation in itself. Then you feel guilty because you know you shouldn't be comparing the past with the present , but that's how you learn from your mistakes,  isnt it? How do you ever know if its true! I guess its how people say, when its true you'll know it . But what if its not like that? One thing is for sure love is truly a complicated aspect in ones life. It's a battle of the heart! A constant struggle to develop and maintain. One thing is for sure, I'm glad im still a helpless romantic. I still believe that in the end its so worth it , if you have the right person who's worth it ,that is. Keep living, Keep Trying, Keep loving! Its like riding a bike, if you fall, get back up and try again. Maybe the next time you try,  you'll get the hang of it & hold on while you enjoy the ride. All I know is that when you find it, it changes your life!

My Silent Lambs Story

I wrote this when i was 17 , but its something personal & delicate that i did experience so please be mature about it!

My Silent Lambs Story


I am currently 17 years old and an Ex. Jehovah’s Witness. I recently disassociated myself from the organization a few months ago. I was born in this religion and practiced it my whole life, until I was 16 years old. All my life, you can say that my family had always been on top. My father was an elder of the congregation and my mother, a very loyal pioneer. Since I was very little, all the Jehovah’s Witnesses would refer to me as the future pioneer. As an elder’s daughter, I was pressured a lot about getting baptized and serving “God’s Organization” faithfully. I loved Jehovah God and I longed for the day when I could dedicate my life to the Almighty God. We lived in ....Hartford.., ..CT.... and I had many spiritual goals for my life. Unfortunately, when I was 9 years old, I was molested by a 15-year-old Jehovah’s Witness boy. My days during that year and the experiences I had were terrible and horrific for me. I was very young and didn’t really understand what happened to me. After a few months of this going on, the situation started to become very aggressive and scary for me. I had enough with this abuse so I told the boy after a Kingdom Hall meeting that this had to stop. I was done with all this and decided to tell my parents about what was going on. To my shock, my parents were a bit disappointed in me. Me??? Why?? They made me feel like it was my fault or that I looked for this to happen to me. I was so confused!! I didn’t know what to do. My parents were on my side, but they still made me feel guilty. My parents brought me to the hospital to check if was hurt in any way. My family and I discussed the situation with the doctors and some social workers as well, but nothing was barely done. When they asked my parents if they wanted to press charges, my parents immediately said “no.” I did not understand!!! How could my own parents bring this pain upon me and let me suffer with the terrible experience I had just lived? I tried really hard to comprehend the actions my parents were taking. After going to the hospital, the boy’s parents were notified and the congregation elders were called too. It was Wednesday night and we had just had our theocratic meeting. It was time to have a meeting with the elders, my family, and his family. I was so nervous, but I was determined to tell the truth no matter what. As I proceeded to tell my side of the story, he and his parents were attacking me, basically calling me a liar. When it was his turn to speak his side of the story, he said that I was lying and that I was making all that stuff up. He actually said that I was the one who had forced him to do all those things to me. I could not believe that. How ridiculous did he sound saying those lies? His parents, of course, continued to attack me going on their son’s side. The other thing that I couldn’t believe was that the elders were actually believing his story/lies. I felt so desperate, lonely, and sad. After everyone spoke their sides of the story, the elders asked if anyone had a final comment before they proceeded to make a decision. I immediately spoke and said that I had told the truth the entire time. Why would I ever want to make this up? Then they asked the boy and he confessed that he had lied about his side of the story. His parents looked at him in shock, while my parents broke down in tears. Afterwards, the elders told us to step out of the room and we did. The situation was never spoken of again. Nothing was done!! Once I stepped foot out of that congregational meeting room, everyone went on with their lives; except for me. I was left there misunderstood, confused, hurt, and depressed. No one helped me get over this. After this situation, I was basically forced to grow up and mature all by myself. Whenever I tried to approach my parents on the past occurrences, my parents would shut me down telling me not to talk about it, put in the past, and forget about it. I learned to keep my mouth shut and deal with all my psychological problems alone. Over the past years, I have continued to deal with what happened to me at 9 years of age. It wasn’t until I was 16, when I found out that the Watchtower Society actually had a policy that said ‘if someone is raped or molested, nothing can be done unless there are 2 or more eye-witnesses present when the situation happened’. That made me doubt the organization a lot and I suffered continuously with my depression without even being diagnosed with depression. I am now 17 years old and I suffer from Depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I now must deal with these psychological problems because nothing was done in the past to help me overcome and understand what I had experienced. Life gets very hard for me while also dealing with these problems. I love the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I really do, but the fact that they allow situations like mine to happen is really a disgrace in God’s eyes. God would never want his children to suffer the way the organization let me suffer. Now, I am no longer a Jehovah’s Witness as I previously mentioned. I am now a Christian and I feel much happier now that I’m no longer in darkness. I have accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior and am now Born-Again or Saved. It really is a privilege to live my life the right way, instead of serving an Organization in doubt of whether or not I have my salvation. I’m doing better psychologically too. Since my parents refused to help me out seeking psychological help for me, I was forced to seek the help myself, with the help of my close friends. Now I go to therapy and am doing better dealing with my problems in life, from the past and the present. I look forward to life now, and am truly grateful to have the Lord and true Christian brothers and sisters by my side!!!!! I hope that my story was beneficial for others who have also been abused in any way.....

.. ..

May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you all and thank you for the opportunity of sharing my story!!....

Ticking Time Bomb ***

I believe in the term "a ticking time bomb" . I don't believe it always has to be related to anger though. I think it can be over any emotional feeling actually. I experienced today what it can do to a person when you hold all your emotions in & don't express them. I saw the pain & anguish in their eyes. I know how it feels to hold my feelings in. All my life, ever since I got molested at 9 , I have learned to shut up about expressing what I felt & it messes you up emotionally. I was a ticking time bomb & I did hit my breaking point where I exploded & couldn't take it anymore. My explosion was a mixture of both sadness, anger, & disappointment all combined. Talk therapy changed my life! When I first started, I couldn't open up because of my previous experiences, but once I saw that my therapist was there to help, I started opening up. It felt so good letting go of all the heart-ache, the pain, the anger, all my inner feelings unleashed. Such relief! Someone I know did that today & sadly I know they are still "ticking". Although they opened up alittle, there is still a lot to be discovered & it better to do it sooner than later, trust me I would know. So if you have feelings, express them! Don't be ashamed. Tell a friend or a close relative/ adult. Don't keep things bottled up like that, its not healthy in any sense. Because sooner or later , you're going to come to the end of that rope & the bomb is going to explode & after the damage is done, you cannot take it back. I know its hard , but there are people out there who really care! Believe me..its true! Don't be a ticking time bomb, express yourself! =)

A Mysterious Way!

God always amazes me with the things he does. The things he puts in my life or throws at me from time to time ,either good or bad. He always shows me, one way or another, that he always has a plan. I love that! Its never boring with God because as long as you live, there will always be something new to learn when it comes to God. That's awesome. I've noticed God is answering many prayers at the same time. For example, I've been praying for more satisfaction in my life in any way & that God may use me to glorify his name & help others & in return God helps me as well. One of my friends is going though a tough break-up & its been really hard on her. God lead her to me & I've been doing my best to help out. The funny thing is: at first, I thought this probably just a day (get advice & move on) thing. It turns out its not! I'm glad because today I started seeing God's hand in all this. She's lost & has no where to turn. I told her to turn to the one place I guarantee helps: UP! God is the ultimate healer of all wounds whether big or small. I learned that through my hard break-up over a year ago. Out of no where I got the greatest sensation that I had to help my friend on a deeper/spiritual level. Randomly I just started thinking of different scriptures about comfort, strength, hope, etc & I just knew it was the Holy Spirit at work. It felt amazing to help someone & also in return help myself through God's hand of course. I feel God has a bigger plan for all of this & I can't wait to see what's in store!

My Unknown

I titled this post my unknown because there are a lot of things hidden within myself, a lot of things people don't know. I don't trust a lot of people because people have shown me they can't be trusted. My issues started when I was nine. I believe that's when I first felt misunderstood, as if no one around me got me as a person or even cared to see how I was feeling. At 9 years old, my first traumatic event happened: I was molested by a friend of the family. I'll go deep within that issue on another post , but here I'll just write down just the situations in itself that happened. Like the title says its the unknown, my unknown. I was always a good kid , everyone always liked me & I didn't expect that to happen to me at all. That was the first time, the people who supposed to care for me didn't & I was left to deal all by myself. I thought the nightmare was over , but I was wrong. This event is one I can talk about to the close people in my life , but the rest is unknown to those around me. It gets alittle harder to speak about after this. I have always been a private person & that's good in a sense of course, but I hold too much in & that's the problem. Well here goes nothing! At age 10, I went to visit one of my mom's relatives for the first time in upper NY. It was supposed to be a fun trip & it was for the most part , but only for my family not for me. Little did they know , that after hours I was being molested yet again! This time by my female cousin. I was never the same after that, I knew it was wrong , but I was still confused. A girl??? What?? I never told anyone about that not even my family, they really didn't help the first time so why would there care now? Throughout the years I struggled with that fact, it took me a while to realize that I wasn't gay just because a girl molested me. I didn't do anything wrong, she did. That's when depression was introduced into my life. I was so sad all the time, but I was great at hiding it. Nobody ever noticed that something was wrong. I disguised the pain & acted like a normal healthy happy child/teen & it worked. Everyone saw a energetic happy girl full of life although on the inside a darkness was forming in my heart. I did manage to tell my dad once and his response to me was, "everyone gets a little touch by someone when they're younger". Seriously? Great support! And yes I'm being sarcastic in case you couldn't tell. After that incident,  that darkness in my heart grew deeper and deeper. When I was in the 7th grade, I started to cut myself. At first it was only when I'd feel depressed and just a few scratches. But then I started cutting any time I felt any sort of negative emotion. And as the frequency of my cutting increased so did the depth of my self-inflicted wounds. The people who know of this, know that I used to cut my wrist. What people don't know is that's not the only place I've cut before. When my cutting progressed to something either than scratches, I was afraid that I would get caught by my parents so I started to cut myself in my legs, and even my stomach in a few occasions.  Now lets flash forward to age 16 shall we?!? At this age, I fell in love.. I met a guy who was also a Jehovah's Witness at the time and with whom I later became a Christian with. Since the very beginning, our relationship was persecuted by the very members of our former religion. We fought hard, and I guess won some battles. When I turned 17, my life changed for the better and the worse. After studying the scriptures, I noticed that some of the JW doctrine didn't match with what the bible taught and so I made the decision to disassociate myself  from the organization. When my family caught wind of this, they started to treat me badly , calling me Satan and all other sorts of harsh names. I got so depressed and suicidal, that the next day I went to school and told them that if they let me go home, I would kill myself. For the next few days, I spent my days in a psych ward of a hospital for observation. 3 days later, they transferred me to go to a safe house for at risk teens. I was there for 2 weeks and during those 2 weeks, I got to go to church for the first time and loved it. I also got to have my first Christmas and send in my disassociation letter. After a while, my family started making promises about treating me better and being sensitive to my situation. I believed them and so I voluntarily checked myself out of the safe house. But I wasn't out 5 minutes before my family started attacking me and treating me badly again. The next few months, I spent my time in my room by myself while my family went to parties, out to dinner, or just eating dinner at home together without me. In 2009, I cut myself very deep and was checked into the hospital, where I stayed for a night and then was sent to the Institute of Living which is a psychiatric hospital. I was only there two days, but it felt like weeks or even months and during that time I cried in bed and refused to eat. I eventually couldn't take it anymore so I agreed to go into a out patient program with group therapy and they sent me home. That was the last time I cut myself that deep. When I turned 18, my family invited to celebrate my parent's anniversary in Puerto Rico. I went and that's when started feeling the shunning again. My dad's side of the family are JWs,  and they refused to come to my parent's party if I was there. When we came back to CT, it was Easter and as a new christian, I had never celebrated Easter before. So I went to Church. During the night, I called my dad to come and pick me up and he said I no longer lived there. In July, me and my ex broke up. After that, I will admit that I did cut myself once. In August, I was in such a deep depression that I started to try and build new relationships. I met one guy who had gone to my High school. He asked me to come to his house and just hang out. He made me believe that there would be other people home, but we got there, nobody was home. That guy tried to rape me and I froze and started to shake . I started to pray and then the guy stopped and took me home. Most people don't know that after that, I also tried to kill myself by taking a lot of pills, but they only made me sleepy and I woke up the next day. I'm not quite over that incident,  but its a process and I'm currently in therapy for all these situations. Healing takes time and because of all that I have had to face, I decided to be a Christian Counselor to help the broken just like me, but also sharing God's truth through it all. 

Relaxing & Realizing

So after work, I spent my day just relaxing which I needed after a long few days. I came to realize a few things. I have a lot to offer to people & it makes me feel good when I'm being a good friend/ support system for someone else. My friend called & she was having guy problems. She's heart-broken & feels lost in a way. I understand exactly how that feels cuz I've been through that exact problem before. I had my heart broken over a year ago & it was a struggle to get over it. I gave her honest advice that I knew from experience. And you know what? It made me feel really good to help out & telling her I would be there the whole process. I know how bad it feels when you lose the one you love so it was no problem to help her out. I also realized that while I was helping her, not only did it make me feel good, but it made me feel stress free ,as if I had no issues to deal with. It was amazing to feel that way! I do believe that its gonna take some time to get over the love you once had , but it will slowly pass. I don't think all guys are jerks , although most of them are haha. What I've learned is not to be bitter after its passed & trust me it doesn't help to hold on to all that anger. You end up hurting yourself while the other person either doesn't care or has moved on. No girl deserves that pain! He may not deserve your tears , but you certainly have the right to shed them (just not around him). I feel good being there for another in need. I never thought my experiences would ever benefit another person. And in a way I'm glad I went through those trials because in the end I get to help a friend out & that to me is awesome. Hmm, 2012 is showing me things already. I'm eager to see what else I will come to discover!

Finally 2012! New Years Day

So after having a semi-ok/ scary New Years in New York. Woke up today so sore! But then went home took a nap & tried not to think about the madness around me. All the stress & nothing seems to be working. Yeah I go to therapy, my therapist says to breathe & stay away from the stress. As if that can be possible! All of my stresses are too real just to turn away. They haunt me every day. All I have is God to sustain & honestly sometimes I feel too ashamed, for some reason, to even face God. I feel so alone! Its sad I keep all these emotions bottled up over so many different things. Sometimes I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs til all the stress goes away. Even though I know that's not gonna happen. I feel so fet up, so frustrated & tired. I live alone & it sucks. I just want my 2012 to be amazing & so much better! 2011 was a horrible year for me. Too much heart-ache, stress, drama, anger, etc etc. I don't want a repeat. I'm glad I've overcome that year though, it makes me stronger. But the year has only begun! I'm gonna try & stay positive , but knowing me that won't last long. You see, that's the problem with depression! Its never satisfied, it wants you to be more & more negative & sadly I fall in its trap quite often. I hate it though, I must admit. I wanna manage stress better in 2012. Find new love =). Have way more fun! Get a new job! Be healthier! & most importantly, strengthen my walk with God. I wanna really trust God to be my strength because I can't bear it alone..I hate it , I feel so drained on so many levels. Sometimes I think to myself how I'd rather die & be with God than be here dealing with all these issues. Well I pray 2012 brings more good than bad, I pray that so bad! We'll see what happens I guess.


-"For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a Spirit of Power, of Love , and Self-Control!" -2 Tim. 1:7